Trying to flip yourself from a 7:30AM-6:30PM to a 6:15PM-7:45AM work schedule in a single day sure is a load of bullshit

I can only have so many personal clauses in the HOA rules. Apparently.

well the photo was clearly taken in DC so it might be some shit you see in the US actually

Matt Ortega@mattortega.com · yesterday

The kind of shit you see in Russia or Pakistan.

Her: I like you. Me: I’m dumb as shit.

Beets taste like if potatoes were a fruit

ME: what’s this dish, “lost in the sauce”? i’ll have that SERVER: oh no. no, please don’t order tha— *marinara floods the room like the shining*

The older I get, the more commas I need.

now, now, there's no cause for optimism

IT'S MAKING ME SAD (what is?) I DON'T KNOW

Your plane suddenly loses altitude, the ceiling panels open, but instead of oxygen masks, the cabin is flooded with buttplugs. Hundreds and hundreds of buttplugs.

(*meditating very hard*) I don't think, therefore I don't am

old man yells at shitpost

I'm on a wacky adventure

... I should be living just about this, but in my own cabin

Found the email I sent when I got accidentally added to the faculty listserv of an orthopedic surgery clinic and nobody would remove me so I sent this email to all faculty/staff/med students and they removed me almost immediately

Things are beautiful if you squint real hard and look through only one eye, like when you’re too drunk.

plump

Haven't been on a floatplane for years!

My body is a temple. My head has two temples. I attended Temple University. I forgot where I was going with this.

Sunset over Timmies Red Lake, 2026

"You're not alone." Yes, I am. And you are too, you delusional whore.

Even if you've only done the Macarena once, you're still a carrier

“I almost told the cafe lady that Batman likes butt stuff” -out of context Erinism

Kid: What did you want to be when you grew up?” Dad: Left alone. Kid: That’s not a job. Dad: Exactly. That’s the dream.

How did I manage to drink that much, yet not be drunk, eat that much, yet not have stomach ache, and be home so early?

according to a review of my late night online window shopping, it appears my cat narrowly avoided being a nun for Halloween

why are they so happy about it

Sorry guys, can't read anymore