That sense of impending doom means you’re finally thinking ahead!

If you see a faded sign by the side of the road that says 15 miles to the

large sign outside a building says "masterclass on how to be more likeable" people walk in find their seats the murmuring dies down settles into silence a figure walks onto the stage takes a deep breath and speaks into the mic "stop being a fucking arsehole" returns mic to stand and walks off stage

If you’re living your life vicariously through me, congratulations, you just bought yourself some nunchucks.

Liam Neeson: I don’t have money, but what I do have are a very particular set of skills. Skills I have acquired over a very long career. Skills that make me a nightmare for people like you. I will look for you, I will find you, and I will kill you. Telemarketer: So…no on the extended warranty then?

(deleting all of my unposted drafts about ska) discard, is coming like a ghost card

In a complicated relationship with taking it easy

Getting fit would increase my sex appeal and that’s a risk I just can’t take.

I’m white but not “saves all of the corks from my wine bottles” white.

this is somebody’s super bowl, not mine

A mukbang video, but it’s just me eating Oreos while crying.

My skill set is fuck this.

It's just me and the night, but we'd make room for you

Just ate yogurt with a butter knife like some daredevil cause the spoons are in the dishwasher.

This little guy, playing meerkat and, yes, spying on the neighbours again 😂

I suspect we'd all eat less if our poop didn't magically disappear with a flush.

would you like that with or without a hint of irony we do both here

I have 3 types of shorts… sleep shorts, round the house shorts and going out in public shorts

Normalize saying you have a tongue boner when you’re excited about a meal.

Squirrels are getting too friendly this time of year. I mean, a hand job?

I don’t have much to add. Maybe don’t park under a walnut tree this time of year.

It wasn't me, is something I say way too often.

Ever since I was a little girl, I dreamt of losing my mind to a tiny screen that makes me sad.

… are they made from real Girl Scouts?

Me as a broke-ass erotic photographer: Her - What does is pay? Me - Nothing. But you get a lot of exposure.

[guy compulsively hoarding his obscene wealth] Once the machine steals everyone’s jobs and money, things will be great

it’s like ten thousand replies when all ya need is a like

Apocalypse story and the world is ok but there's just a last human being left on the internet. I've been hoarding a fine google of "to squander" in case it's me

Sometimes, I accidentally make eye contact with the piñata during the beating and see into its soul. "Why? Why is this happening to me?" After that, the candy just tastes like ashes in my mouth.

Not sayin' its been hot here, but wrote aboot 2,500 words of my protagonists traveling thru the desert. Oh, also saw a strange van -a bit long for normal, with "Medical Examiner" written on it. Realized it could probly fit like 2 stretchers. Ok - I'm sayin' its been really really hot here.