No one: My daughter: if I die under mysterious circumstances don't let anyone make a podcast about it

Teach a man to fish and he’ll get drunk on a boat for one day. Feed a man to a fish and you’ll have a cool story for the rest of your life

Cool so now I know at least 99 people want nothing to do with me

Bluesky@bsky.app · 24h ago

Update: group chats can now host up to 100 members.

Happy New Season of Ted Lasso Eve to those that celebrate

Don’t judge yourself. That’s your cat’s job.

after doing some basic research I have concluded that the world is a vampire

Calling in disillusioned this morning

*phone rings Red Cross: would you be interested in donating blood platelets? Me: what's involved? RC: you sit comfortably for about two hours while we extract the platelets and then we give you cookies, donuts and juice in the refreshment area...how did you get here so fast???

Every time a bird poops on my car, I eat a plate of wings on my front porch to show them what I'm capable of.

if you prefer awkward silence to awkward conversation then you are my people

Sunday vibe

It takes real talent to own this many water bottles and still be borderline dehydrated all the time

August is the stupidest month of the year we should just make June and July 15 days longer or something

my book club read fight club but we didn’t talk about it

Did anyone see my camouflage joke?

I just thought of a hilarious Leif Erikson Day skeet - in 70 days you all are going to be so laughing

Do not go willy into that good nilly

I feel like people stopped shitting bricks

No one likes a stretched out koozie

I asked my wife why she was all gussied up and a pair of white New Balance shoes magically appeared in my closet

good news - I'm not dying of scarlet fever, I just didn't realize that the wife had turned on the heated car seats

Arnold Schwarzenegger really said "Ice to meet you" as Mr. Freeze in "Batman and Robin," and no one said anything. And people wonder why we are where we are today.

I put my pants on like everybody else . . . One leg, *hop* the other leg... *hop hop* . . . *CRASH* at a time.

Sister: how are you coping with the heatwave? Me: melting at home doing social media Sister: do you at least have a fan with you? Me: no i'm on my own my followers think i'm a total dick

Bar owners realizing Scotland is out of the World Cup:

Sad Crying

ALT: Sad Crying

static.klipy.com

The average American eats eight Big Macs in their sleep every year

You've moded your last depeche

Marjorie James Keenan@unenthusiast.com · last mo.

You've produced your last boogie down

Girlfriend: *pointing* that snake just bit me you need to suck out all the poison [a few minutes later] Me: i got it all but he got super hissy about it

Imagine falling in love with someone and then finding out that they overthink and criticize people's jokes on Bluesky

have no fear, a shower beer is here