Sorry for what I said before I got to eat tacos for dinner.

I won $4 in the last Powerball. What I do with my newfound wealth is between me and God.

Just to be clear, if you call me immediately after I send you a text, I will throw my phone into the ocean.

I once dated a Communist. I didn't agree with her views but she was kind of hot to Trotsky.

it should be called a pan fried cheese sandwich

*wakes up* ok that’s enough

“Don’t skip leg day” I giggle to myself, downing a fourth KFC chicken leg.

Pizza delivery tracking isn’t enough. It’s 2026, I need a pepperoni-view camera from oven to doorstep.

[eating cereal for dinner] it's 9am somewhere

I always check the plane for snakes. Safety first.

I’m not saying my cat is judging me, but I have received a formal performance review. It was waiting for me in the litterbox

I have at least 106 opinions on meaningless, everyday stuff that you’d absolutely hate. Inquire within.

The day they start making collapsible step ladders that I can fit in my purse, it's over for you bitches.

can’t think of any jokes so i guess i’ll just do my job or whatever

disillusioned is when you do a magic trick during a rap battle

Me: Oh my god, you know it's not legal for you to be so handsome?? My cat: mom, pls stop

"Why am I drinking wine at this bar? I have wine at home." -Mom ass thought I had tonight

I could really fuck up some wine and a charcuterie board in a blanket fort right about now.

Teaching my dog karate in case I’m not home when a bad guy breaks in.

I worry about couples who wear matching shirts, like blink twice if you need help

Prince lied. This rain isn’t purple

If they never ask you any questions about yourself, big red flag.

I wish I had the confidence of a person with any confidence at all.

I’m one intestinal parasite away from my ideal body weight.

What do you mean your husband told you to stop bringing home cool rocks??

All I’ve ever wanted, thanks to 80s action movies, is to have an opportunity to say “The mayor is all over my ass on this one!”

You ever eat a food so good that you're like, "wow that is a good food"?

At this point I’ll settle for a Splenda daddy

Them: your dress is covered in cat hair. Me: thanks, it has pockets.

I’m deleting Bluesky. This app is too much (See y’all in 14 minutes)