I have said, “why did I not know this until my 50s”, a disturbing amount of times like it is scary guys

*puts my cursed bones in an oubliette*

If life passed me by any faster, I’d throw up on it.

The bell used to toll for thee, now it only gets rung for tips.

the smell of that first pot of coffee in the morning tho

You may win the lottery but chances are you'll never find a bag of chips fuller than half full

The wind the same color as the sky when it doesn’t try.

Should've Written That Down: A Memoir

If you give a serious reply to my joke tweet I will assume you're a cop

Dude, I just wanted to smoke my cigarette, check the fuck out, and enjoy this song, but fine- tell me all about why your wife left you.

“pull my finger” i dare you, and when you do i burst into flames

I could really go for a good swaddling right about now

I wonder what's going to happen to all of you when they pull me out of the simulation.

Bluesky app glitching so you can't see replies? Don't distress, dear viewer! You're not missing anything.

It really pisses me off that Google knows my location, passwords and number but keeps constantly asking if I am a robot

Me: [making impt life decision] what should I do Wife: just listen to your gut Me: ok Gut: let’s get nachos Me: BYE WE’RE GOING OUT FOR NACHOS Wife: wtf just happened

Avengers--disassociate!

Fuck it, Halloween starts right now and runs through February 15th. You're welcome.

if i haven’t seen the iliad, will the odyssey still make sense?

I'm not reading your fucking book posts. Tidy it up

can’t win ‘em all, or most of them tbh

We should probably stop electing people whose brains don't work so good. 

Public health announcement: don't eat iceberg lettuce not because of cyclospora it's just gross

Allow me to slip into something a little more comfortable…*slips into a dissociative episode*

Her: How fucking stupid are you???!!! Me: *narrows eyes Are you challenging me right now?

It has always been my dream to live alone in a dune shack on the outer Cape and write middling fiction using a typewriter. The waste basket in the corner would be overflowing with balls of crumpled paper and I’d never finish

you had me at hello i own a hot dog cart

I only have one regret in life. It involves Bruce Springsteen and Denise. Fuckin, Denise.

well, reality, maybe if you were a little nicer, everyone wouldn't be avoiding you.

New: Ghost in the Shell Velvety soft centre with crunchy coating