after doing some basic research I have concluded that the world is a vampire

roses are red, violets come in blues, out of his penis, here comes the

*watching Love is Blind* Man: I’ve never felt this way before Me, single, with chocolate on my chin: Sir, it’s been four fuckin days

men should be wearing shorter shorts

It’s not drinking alone when your insecurities are always there

my account still has that new post smell

I go to my local Taco Bell so often they’ve given me a nickname (“Sad Man”).

RFK Jr says he doesn’t have a gag reflex; I know what he can put in his mouth

This bucket of hummus, my zen garden Saltines, my rake

"I ain't no god damn son of a bitch" sure sounds like something a god damn son of a bitch would say

[mr. brightside voice] my friggin’ back, it’s killing me

Arranging the spiked heads on my castle walls to make them kiss each other

Multiple Dick Vein Throbmosis

someone roll a 5 or 8 and get alan parrish out of the jungle i’m sick of this timeline

ask not for whom the cheese rolls it rolls for me

gonna be the weird fun aunt for the rest of my life

one day I will quit the internet but it is not now or anytime in the foreseeable future

ok but how do you pronounce gyro?

what this tl needs… …is more cowbell

the cave of wonders probably had such bad breath

watching bebé down some prune juice knowing an absolute blow out is on the way

accurate depiction of me trying my best to contribute to society

wow desbiens just pulled that off the goal line, incredible

a bag of m&ms marked as "family size" is a social construct

imagine hating me and I’m just over here trying to eat in bed without dropping too many crumbs

Is there a box on Tinder to indicate you were on the Hantavirus cruise?

Bram Stoker’s Blunt

I keep alexa because I think it's good for amazon's language model to be trained on someone who always tells it to shut the fuck up