Never realized how often I let my dog sniff items I’m holding just because I want him to feel included.

"Where's the pope?" He's under the sauce

Tetris taught me that trying to fit in will make you disappear.

god gave me allergies bc he knew i’d be too powerful if i could breathe

[facilitating an icebreaker] so everyone let's go around and say your name and how you think you'll die. I can start

as soon as i loosen this belt it's over for you britches

[all four The Voice judges noticing you in the audience] BRING US THAT ONE

The horrors persist, but so do new, as yet unimagined horrors

they should just pick one of the St. Louis cardinals

There’s nothing in the rule book that says a dog can’t be pope

Saw white smoke at the Rice Krispies factory. They must have chosen a new Pop.

[on a date] her: are you on bsky me: 😁 her: are your posts any good me: 😔

I think if Earth were smart it'd speed up a bunch and make us all fly off

you can give your bologna any first name you want, mine's is craig

fire departments hate house warming parties

why's it called a bbq competition and not a meat up

I'm not cheap and obsolete, I'm antique and expensive

kate bush running past sisyphus

Me: [putting my best foot forward] My other foot: WOW. Just wow. I mean that guy? Unbelievable

I got my peg leg stuck in the claw machine again and I’ll just get a new one.

Looking for a good Schrödinger’s Caturday Service this weekend.

Give him the Trix, you monsters.

I found so many eggs please let me back in the house it’s dark

I TRUSTED YOU. YOU DON’T CARE ABOUT ME YOU DON’T CARE ABOUT US. DID YOU— YOU NEVER EVEN LOVED ME DID YOU is something my neighbor Darin just heard me yelling at the television

Doing a whole parade float as a promposal to my favorite chatgpt voice

🔵 ┗┓ 　┗┓　 ヾ○ｼ 　　┗┓ ヘ/ 　 　 　 ┗┓ ノ 　 　 　 　┗ ○ く|)へ 🔴 〉 ￣￣ Now you're thinking with portals

I'm so far along in this relationship that I'm on lithium diisopropylamide, which I think in chemistry means I'm on a strong base.

Computers are great because they always listen PROGRAM IS UNRESPONSIVE

I'd be ok w being verified, but only if I don't have to ask. trying is so embarrassing.

TV shows in a donkey monarchy get interrupted by Bray King News