Patrick Swayze’s toes from the over the creek log training got me pregnant

[nba jam announcer voice] she’s reading smut

No one shoots at your feet and tells you to dance anymore

I wonder how many people I met at concerts ended up killing someone. I bet at least one or two.

seeing me doing relatively well in life has radicalized my parents.

It’s good to go 19th-century from time to time. I have been obsessing about the length of candle wicks, for example.

Please respect my privacy while I hit a curb.

Going full Michael Douglas in Falling Down because Oral-B keeps changing the floss I like.

I’ll come over to watch a movie late at night, not no funny business out of respect for the artists, Freddie Prinze Junior and Matthew Lillard.

grabbing two beers from the on-board fridge pulling the escape chute and sliding down out of this bitch

Two (2) weeks in the same pants – a love story

I don't understand your haircut but it continues to speak to me in its incomprehensible tongue.

Don't make me do it (press the button that says restore 68 tabs)

My swear jar takes digital payments

Bought a head of red cabbage for a recipe, and now what am I supposed to do, eat red cabbage for the next month?

Sometimes I need a beige meal to take the edge off

i just used the word ‘overwhelmed’ as i thanked my mail carrier this morning for delivering me some coupons for hometown buffet.

I promised my truck that when it’s time, I’m gonna put it in neutral and let it roll off a ledge into an old quarry

If my grandmother taught me anything, it's that once you take your shirt off in public to fight someone, you HAVE to fight someone.

Repotting plants at 6 a.m. for Jesus

A washing machine that warns you when it detects little balls of tissue paper in your pockets

A day of rest after monster truck voices hyped us relentlessly into a quiet corner

I hope your fingers don't break through the toilet paper today

It’s just me and my prescription eczema cream from 2013 against the world.

It's pretty apt that there's a single r in 'loner'.

Everyone stay calm, I’ve got this *hands out cheese*

Harry Styles sounds like a made-up name that Big Foot would use to sneak into a fashion show.

Me, an arborist pointing at a tree: "Wood."

Just casually doing my dishes while screaming into the void

smoking speed at the weed of light