There'll be a lot of happy people in Paraguay tonight. And a few furious ones in their late 90s who have odd accents. #TheFootball

Reflexes

Me too

TFW you don’t know the safe word to make it stop

Wild

Dawn had to keep reminding herself that this was just temporary, and she was only doing it to put herself through law school.

🐳

THIS IS A BRAND NEW COMIC I'M SHOWING IT TO BLUESKY FIRST I LOVE BLUESKY PLEASE FOLLOW ME ON BLUESKY AND ALSO LIKE ME

[Me in the Wimbledon final] *bounces ball ready to serve* *drops ball* *accidentally kicks it* *runs round court chasing it* "SORRY, EVERYONE"

Owning a home comes with many hidden costs. In addition to the regular expense of a mortgage, taxes, and utilities, you will also need to spend $20 at the hardware store every single day for the rest of your life

I was engulfed in flames at a family barbecue, so I stopped, dropped, and rolled but I bumped into someone who ignited as well, and within minutes there were 20 people on fire rolling around in the garden.

Do you want to go out for tea? No thanks I’ve got a meatball sub waiting for me at home The meatball sub

Me: how do I do my taxes Public School: shut the fuck up and square dance

Marvin stared at the painting of his great grandfather, who had survived two wars, worked three jobs to support his fourteen children, and eventually died saving a box full of kittens from a fire, and thought to himself, "You know, if I knocked that over, I could sleep on it."

Bagpuss plays Come On Eileen

As Gloria’s lifeless body lay in the corner, Phillip sat and admired his haul. He felt no remorse. The woman had been a fool to have trusted him, and she’d deserved her fate.

Me, when the first few people leave Bake Off: Ah, shame, I’ll miss them. Me, when they’re on the final show: Who the fuck is THAT? #gbbo

“I bring you news from the front, m’lord. Food bowls are empty, litter boxes are full, and the natives are getting restless.”

brian was starting to think that maybe his mom wasn’t coming back

I’ve started walking laps of the garden to raise money for Captain Tom’s family’s legal fees

[caveman enters his dimly lit cave after a long day hunting] HIM: Oh, I see you redecorated. HER: Yep! Moved rock over there, carcasses on that side, and put up some new art! [points to her finger-painting on the south wall] 𝓕𝓸𝓻𝓪𝓰𝓮 𝓕𝓮𝓮𝓭 𝓕𝓾𝓬𝓴

- Housebroken - Great with kids and adults - Thrice-divorced - Masters in English Literature - Marxist - Loves to cuddle

Of all the depressing aspects of this photo, to me, the most depressing part is that Don Jr is holding up the fries like he got a special big boy treat.

Brent Terhune@brentterhune.bsky.social · 2y ago

Parents will say we’re gonna start eating healthier around here and then do this after you go to bed.

But Muuuuuuuum, I don't want to learn to Joust!

Okay Bluesky, this is the greatest thing I have ever made and now it’s here for you. Mr Blobby in the Virtual Insanity video.

my self-driving car ran three people over before I remembered it was just my regular car

A good way to leave a conversation is to suddenly crouch down and scuttle away sideways like a crab