*slides her panties to the side* *gets immediately buried in packing peanuts*

I don’t think I can squeeze my body into my prom dress anymore, so I’m all out of costume ideas

ngl if a stork delivered me a burrito rn that’d be pretty dope

Well, if it isn’t my “best if used by” date

me: *makes a dumb joke* rando reply: liberty biberty has parents too ya know

the typos are part of the charm

The loaf is the laziest of all food formations.

my baby turned one maybe i'll wear a bra again one day

who would have thought scene kids would become sad adults

I hope the apocalypse comes soon I'm so sick of pooping

Dropped the hot; just a mess

something wicked this way comes, dumbass

They should let the person who invented naps invent more stuff.

It's Friday. Do your fuck laundry.

Excuse me while I slip into something a little more somewhere else.

Her: I like you. Me: I’m dumb as shit.

what if you get to hell and there really are double hockey sticks there

why'd everything go to shit after y2k

two left feet? sixteen abnormal toes

Tearing a phone book in half, but one page at a time.

[being murdered in autumn] me: *being murdered* murderer: *murdering* leaf blower: WHHHHHHRRRR

My kids have been publishing a "family newspaper" with headlines like "Mom's Dinner: Pretty Good!!" etc and it's been very cute, but their latest issue is a searing expose on my five digit polymarket losses and it's dark, folks. I don't see a path back from this one. There might be only one option.

I appear to be a shadow, but that was just a passing phase.

leaving my troubles (pants) behind

life hack: pretend your problems don't exist

fugue state and chill

Ghost you? I’ll fucking haunt you

It's been a day. I want a new one.

i like the rain. people who wash their cars aren't better than me for a few days