in australia we use spanner as an insult and it is directly derived from spanner in the works follow me for more facts which are likely not facts at all

“Open up your heart and let the sunshine in” sounds like something a serial killer in a grade B horror movie says right before he stabs you in the chest.

Just poured my friend a bubbling green drink that emitted a cloud of vapor in the shape of a cackling skull, but he refused to drink it. After I spent so long working on my cool skull drink! It did contain poison though

Has anyone suggested Protein Pops yet? No, I don't mean meat popsicles. I mean little chunks of meat that explode in your mouth like Pop Rocks.

i tried to make a heatmap but i overdid it and now my car's on fire

Y’all I’m concerned the quiet posters are plotting

Leaving the party early after someone mentions finding a rickety bridge over a gaping chasm nearby

It’s the weekend. Time to post those drafts of one tribute to each of the 50 states.

I stare up at Gordon Ramsey as he tastes my creation. His reaction is inscrutable. “What did you make this with?” he asks. “Spite?” I say hopefully. He pauses a beat, then nods. “Yeah, you can really taste it.”

Don't ever let anyone tell you where your wires go. You've got the perfect maze of loops and decoys already please believe me, I work in IT. I'm also a life coach and also also a minotaur

Canadian geese are like regular geese but they sure do like maple syrup.

I propose renaming the generations into 5-10 year groupings of the most popular boys' names. For example, I'm part of the Michael years. These were followed by the Darrens, the Gregs, the Ryans, and so on. We're now in peak Alex era.

sorry I just invented a disease that makes your eyeballs shrink

I’ve got to keep posting or the little people inside my head will get bored and start screaming

i'm sorry i started the "engagement bait" chant when you misspoke during your presentation

Just trying to be every bit as stupid as I sound.

“Open up your heart and let the sunshine in” sounds like something a serial killer in a grade B horror movie says right before he stabs you in the chest.

I was dreaming while you were talking. It wasn't because I was asleep it was just I was in a familiar place but it was weird, it was from somewhere but it was weird, in the deja vu of it more breadsticks please

Blowing out all the candles and kites and sailboats on a windless day, nothing ever stirred up. There's always tomorrow omg I finally got a message from the hot af air balloon on Tindenburg

Before the internet the only way to block people was to close your eyes, cover your ears and sing "We Built This City" super loud. It was awful

bluesky just released a feature that shows how many people turned off your reposts and- oh no. no no no no

another week another holy fuck somebody make it stop

The roof, the roof, the roof is NOT not on fire nor is it it on fire, but rather a secret third thing (involving fire)

Assert dominance by randomly adding “since The Incident” to conversation without further explanation.

There are two wolves inside of you. One is a dick, the other is a dick, you’re a dick.

does anyone have a single engine plane we could leisurely fly around the Bermudan Triangle in this weekend I will bring cookies

this collective consciousness is freaking me out Mom

you’re watching videos on your special interest but the videos suddenly become longer and weirder and bam you realize the algorithm knows you are high

You know that classic scene in a movie when the lighter doesn’t work? Kinda like my life.