Sorry I’ve been so sad lately.

Let me fuck things up by telling you how I really feel.

Where's the sinkhole when you need one.

Have never been and will never be ‘mainstream’

one thing about me is *ear-piercing scream*

Friend: Where do you stand on this election? Me: In line at the liquor store.

Me to me: deep breath, you got this.

Adulthood is making sure there’s a back up pain killer bottle in the bathroom.

baby got (lower) back (problems)

my sex tape is double-sided and hypoallergenic

Setting reminders to unclench my jaw has become a new norm for me.

Someone to move heaven and earth for you.

i feel so powerful in a new pair of leggings

Triglycerides were among the most unhealthy of the dinosaurs.

Let’s watch our favorite movies and say all the best lines out loud together

swear to god, if it turns out I'm currently "living my best life" I am going to be fucking furious

You ever panic and feel the need to change everything about your life.

if I had a Netflix special about the first half of my life the title would be People Pleaser

Trying to decide what Netflix series to binge listen to while staring at my phone.

I just wanna be a little spider. Making webs in stupid places and watching humans walk through them and do funny dances.

Dog moms; we’ve accepted that every blanket in the house is now a dog blanket.

Permanently moving to a beach front property would fix me.

think of me as a type of midwife encouraging and guiding you to push out all of your insane thoughts

a dating app for snack-minded people: Snackr

It’s infuriating that Waldo is always smiling and waving when you find him. Bitch, I been looking for you for two hours

We can no longer take for granted breathable air.

Stop. You had me at “Let’s leave before it gets crowded.”

I wish I could shazam a smell