My brain is foggy and forgetful all day long but the second I'm about to fall asleep it's like "hey here's a list of all the stuff you wanted from me earlier"

I always wanted one of my college professors to write "he gave it the old college try" on my report card but they said they weren't allowed to lie

I'm that dork who just thinks everyone's being friendly and my mate will be like "she was totally hitting on you, you idiot"

You know when someone recognises you but you can't remember who they are? Yeah I try that shit with everyone these days

I think karma comes to collect when we need to print something... it's the only explanation

Bumped into an old work colleague who said he got married and had three kids since, so I said I hadn't done much as I think telling him i'm making a sick Lego C3P0 would've made him feel even worse

I sometimes think of something really fun to do then I remember there'll be other people there too and the idea is no longer fun

if someone shoves your face into a chocolate cake, the calories don’t count

I don't trust anyone who gets excited about math facts

To cut down on my alcohol intake I’m only going to have half measures in future but to save on the washing up I’m going to have them two at a time in the same glass.

[after my first set as a stand-up comedian] me: man, I can’t believe I died on stage tonight St. Peter: I know, and to be honest your act was awful too

Unprecedented Times at Ridgemont High

You can tell a lot about a person by what's on their bookshelves.

Autocorrect changed "demands" to "demons" in my emails, and I must fully agree with it!

Not enough of you read cereal boxes as a kid eating breakfast, and it shows.

I'm not alone. I have forever chemicals

It's true I never know what's going on but these days... who would want to?

How can we be soulmates if you don’t reply?

Hmm day 7 of waking up without my left sock on

It wasn’t anywhere to be found, and Gary just knew it was because he put it somewhere he “wouldn’t forget.”

I guess calling the pharmacist Candy Man is frowned upon. Who knew

Be the sweet ass mix-tape you want to hear in this world

I wish unfriending someone on Facebook meant unmeeting them too.

If you like cheese enchiladas and getting caught in the rain

I parallel parked so bad that I had to leave and find a new space.

why haven’t any skin care brands been able to replicate the post cry glow

Have you looked at the time? I’m almost late for a nap

I am not overthinking things. If anything, you're underthinking things

80% of owning a cat is trying to figure out where your cat is

There are ghosts in your house but don't be so arrogant to think they have the time or energy to fuck your shit about.