I was at the therapist yesterday and I showed her your posts and she wants to talk to you too.

Already the longest day and it’s only 10:40 am make it stop

what if it’s just one person saving all our posts

I didn’t say I was right. I just said you were wrong.

If I hit a nerve, good.

Like, why the fuck...ever

Sorry you’re mad at me because I’m friggin awesome.

So the devil wears prada too - interesting.

I'm only going to be excited about The Odyssey movie when they bring out the Muppets version.

You shut up it’s early

These fools lose more money in a day than we'll ever see in a lifetime.

Can’t, I’ve lost my shitposting mojo

Concealer is the most secretive of all cosmetics.

Every time I step on a scale, I say, “Must be the gravity today.” Then I eat a pie to correct it.

Overrated: Dancing like no one is watching Underrated: Sitting quietly and not annoying everyone

Somebody announced to me that he will only eat peanuts fron now and on, and he meant it literally, and I know what you're thinking, but no, it wasn't a parrot

my dazzling chaos

You know what sis.. you be that bitch. Don’t be the biggest person today. You are an extra small. It’s past time to shit on these hoes. They all can step on Legos and choke on a biscuit Love, me This is a inspirational account now

I'm pretty sure if I went on vacation right now I'd just stay there.

We're told they did the best they could, but what if it doesn't feel like it

In the news today: “Experts spent 30 years studying penguin poop from space – and found something really weird.” Dammed. I thought picking up my dog’s landlines in my backyard with a nose plug was weird.

If I'd known back then that you could ruin someone's life forever just by giving them the wrong coloured cup I’d have thought twice about ever having kids.

In an unexpected and quite startling twist, I actually am the arsehole.

I’ve gotten a lot done this morning None of it has to do with my job, but still

No pop tarts??? The snack bar at this gym sucks.

Y'all need to stop making all these losers famous.

perhaps the real doomsday device is the cell phones we were given all along

How stupid am I to think after successfully opening 15 feeds in a row that they finally got it fixed 🙄🤦‍♂️

Daughter broke a coffee mug she gave me that said "Besties for Resties" Then said "I guess we're not besties anymore"