Not now, my body is a wonderland (chonky caterpillar smoking a hookah)

An inspirational guy once told me "you'll never feel happiness until you stop dreaming about it and just do it, live your dreams!" so I hit him in the head with a shovel and buried him out in the desert and by god he was right

[At fight club] Ok everybody now let’s kiss *each other’s* fists

the sandwich guy walking away from the court house and suddenly, his limp disappears

Soon to be a reality series near you—

Pasta Fazool@christopherdowning.bsky.social · yesterday

For an extra charge, ikea will now build your furniture for you. It would be worth it if you could request it be done by a couple on their second date.

You never forget your first kiss. Or your first meeting with HR.

For an extra charge, ikea will now build your furniture for you. It would be worth it if you could request it be done by a couple on their second date.

There’s no other power quite like TV Remote Power. 😄

I love catching myself having a good day without even trying to

Thank you for asking, yes they are my real elbows

We may disagree sometimes, but the important thing is that you're wrong

When I sell my house, do I have to disclose the portal in the attic.

My wife is clearing out the fridge before our vacation so for today’s breakfast I got 2 slices of ham, 5 bacon strips and a pork chop. The sad thing is knowing that I will never again love her as intensely as I do right now.

Oh just repost it, you’re not going to fucking die.

Oh to be able to click "leave conversation" in real life

In a mood. Might drive around with a jar of Grey Poupon just in case.

Noticed a hummingbird shows up at the garden every evening at the same time, so I spent $60 on flowers for it, and now I’m financially and emotionally entangled with a flying sugar addict.

horror movie about the apps on your home screen getting rearranged every day: Update v6.6.6

The wildest thing I saw was a man eat three deviled eggs in a row without a single drop of water. His wife grabbed his arm and whispered, "You're scaring the neighbours."

Oh so.. We are fucked huh? Okay okay okay.. so what you’re saying is we still have a chance right?

The first 8 love potions killed a guy.

Your Caladium heart

Have I had a productive summer? Sure, if you count my sinuses.

In tv/movies you can tell a character is really smart if they play chess

chive turkey

Another day another Taylor Farms Recall.

Be very careful what you ask of the universe. It's response may very well be high blood pressure.

If this place were more wholesome, I’d post cynical content. I like to balance things out

there is nothing I hide you simply do not look deep enough into my eyes to see what is inside

if cats could drive they’d be like “yes of course i will let you merge” and then as soon as you did they’d attack your car