Surround yourself with the right people. (Tall ones are best, makes it difficult for snipers to get a clean shot at you.)

Can’t sorry. I have nostalgia and it hurts

DOCTOR: *removes my skin tag* ME: ok now you’re “it”

Skippy played guitar

There are some moments in life you never forget. First kiss, graduation, birth of a child, the day you realized puffer fish poof up with water and not air..

Omw to a wedding, so I must once again face my old nemesis. Pantyhose.

DoorDash doing that hospital bill math

Those 'do not eat' silica packets are not fucking kidding

I am trying to decide which bandana to put on my dog for her walk: IGNORE ME - IN TRAINING or FRIENDLY BUT OUT OF CONTROL. I'll wear the other one

No animals were harmed during the application of the first flea treatment of the season. The same can't be said about humans.

On day 2 of Creepy Doll Month I present Hobo Conan O’Brien. That angry look on his face worries me. I try not to think about how I don’t know where he is in my house

Insomnia: Me: Insomnia: Me: Insomnia: Favorite song about a girl named Sharona Me: You’re despicable

Back in 2020 I was supposed to go to Australia but the pandemic happened. Since then, the airlines have told me I have an unused credit that will expire soon. No refund possible. Just a credit I can’t really use. Long-term theft that’s somehow legal. *grumbles at capitalism*

there are lots of teenage mutant ninja turtles, the ones we are most familiar with are just a splinter group

I don't know who needs to hear this but I have been avoiding a specific phone call for the last 3 years & I just made the call and the customer service person was so nice and the phone call was over in 2 minutes.

"With food prices at an all-time high, many older adults cannot afford the luxury of a healthy diet." t.co/AJWHalhJSc

Opinion | Older adults need better access to affordable healthy food

With food prices at an all-time high, many older adults cannot afford the luxury of a healthy diet.

t.co

Asimov's Three Laws of Robotics? Uhhhh…the first is you do not talk about robots. So's the second, I think. Third’s something about not getting them wet after midnight?

i don’t want to go therapy, i want to hunt everyone that’s hurt me for sport

Me: How did you find me? Detective: Literally crumbs.

At any given point I'm thinking of a sandwich.

Wait a second, you mean Progressive actually sells insurance and isn't just a terrible improv group?

[giving stolen candy back to baby] gross, you literally ruin everything

I go on the record to say, Fuck John Kelly

I just want to point out that everyone got all the COVID vaccines they needed for free from anywhere that had them because the US government was solely in charge of purchasing and distributing them. That’s a single payer system. Now we’re back to having multiple payers, both private and public.