Eating clam chowder out of the can with my hand like Winnie the Pooh

Last night my neighbor saw me plunging my hand into the soil, grabbing a fistful of worms then raising them triumphantly above my head as I laughed and lightning crashed around me. Going to be difficult to explain that one.

Settled on my memoir title: Pudding on a Brave Face

As an obnoxious windbag, I'm often asked if I will let someone finish their sentence.

Everyone in this room, excluding you, is not you

I see the gatekeepers at Criterion still won’t let me in the closet.

Stop calling me an amateur. I've been doing this for decades. I'm incompetent.

This is Moo. He just had a spa day and wants everyone to see how gorgeous he is….

Tune in, turn on, Slap Chop™️

The best things to roll out: 5. Barrels 4. Welcome Mat 3. Welcome Wagon 2. Red Carpet 1. Doob

Watched a multi-acre fire break out before my very eyes and then watched a bunch of helicopters show up and put it out. Government was a good idea, it should do more things like that instead of evil and corruption

Oh, you have a baby on board? Well mine was elected board chairman.

One of the greatest letdowns is when you think you’re about to hear “Werewolves of London” but it’s actually “All Summer Long” by Kid Rock.

Last xmas I received this bust of David

There are two kinds of people on the highway: those who should live and those who should die. I am The Decider.

Every time a bird poops on my car, I eat a plate of wings on my front porch to show them what I'm capable of.

ME: i always get parallel and perpendicular mixed up DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: okay well now do the other one

Told my boss I'm taking tomorrow off to go see spider man

“What’s a beautiful girl like you doing in a dump like this,” I ask, motioning to the entire country

FINALLY got a chance to see Rush but they only played Sussudio 23 times in a row what's up with that

The best part of “you’re telling me a shrimp fried this rice?” is imagining the tiny frying pan

I think every city should have one statue with no plaque explaining why it’s there

Driving cross-country is exciting because there's always that possibility that your remains will never be found

i miss when the internet was too hard for dumb people

hire me as a stupidity consultant

Startled down to the particles.

A beautiful Sunday full of love and melted cheese

a forehead kiss isn’t enough i want him to swallow my whole head

Hell has open office cubicles and everyone's on speakerphone