(texting the devil) hey man are you bringing your eggs to the function

It's like these stupid clouds don't even realize that their vague and random shape stimulus being perceived as significant

Realized I never said "unquote" after reciting a famous poem in 10th grade. Sorry if you thought everything I've said since is Shakespeare

I don't have time for wallabies. You're either a kangaroo or you're not.

There’s a wasp in my office. I tried pspspspsps but it doesn’t speak cat, so now I’m waiting to hit it with my shoe.

The first casualty of war is the truth. The second is satire.

The art of not inserting your own travel stories when someone just got back from a trip and is telling you about theirs.

*walks into a poetry reading* I see depth people

*stops repeating everything* No more Mr. Twice Guy

I’m leveling up from microplastics and just eating the happy meal toy

Opened Pandora’s box. Popping Pandora’s bubble wrap.

Arranging for my tombstone to provide suggestions of similar humans you might like

RE starlight you sent 1500 years ago: sorry, just seeing this

YOU ALREADY HAVE NUTMEG CHECK AGAIN

if you think I’m annoying online you should hear me when I say everything like the B-52s guy for days at a time

Dress for the job you want is such weird advice because how do you dress to be Ravenmaster at the Tower of London

No, you’re the one who finished Sheep Detectives and cried your eyes out, not me. I have never cried. I don’t even own tear ducts. Definitely not me.

[a trojan soldier looking confused as they hear the faint sound of ‘Happy Birthday’ being sung inside the big horse]

Cutting out the middleman* *scooping hummus with my hand

Because moments like this:

Unfortunately, Broadway producers don't have the guts to stage a Jurassic Park musical.

You know those books that sit there unread on your night stand? Take them with you on vacation so they can remain unread in a sunny locale.

Feeling two thirds less Frankenstein’s monster today.

How long before I can pretend I didn’t say that?

Cut my life into pieces. It’s a charcuterie board.

Stupid people are everywhere. It would be wrong and unfair to say America has cornered the market on stupid, but we sure have really strong distribution.

"we need more moderates," they said, whitely

BREAKING: Pride Month Extended Indefinitely

My dog can't smell your fear. French poodle. She can only smell ennui.

Oh, good. Another horror movie is coming out. I was worried. It's been like, seven minutes.