“if we don’t stand up for the free speech of racists, it puts everyone’s free speech in danger.” - guy who only ever talks about free speech when it’s racism

Today I heard a colleague whisper "this is not as accurate as reality" while looking at a sheet filled with numbers

*closes the curtains* now I can eat this burrito the way it deserves to be eaten

When I read posts I feel confused and unsettled but when I read a book I feel calm enjoyment. Ah well, time to read several hundred posts

got a text today from an unknown number asking me if I'd seen Christopher Nolan's Odyssey and if I had any thoughts on it ... it turned out to be from a friend's new number, but for a while I really thought it was a devious new scam targeted at heterosexual men

eating a bunch of books to keep up with ai

being a billionaire and on the internet all day is crazy to me. if i had even five million dollars, you would not find me online whatsoever.

before you embark on a journey of revenge, dig two graves. that way, you can sell the second one to fund your journey. follow me for more Revenge Grindset tips and tricks

every job i see these days is like: LEAD CONTENT ANALYST, Puppy Killing Factory (remote). $350,000 - $500,000. You will edit our internal newsletter (circulation 500). Associate Editor, Nonprofits, Global Good Magazine (in office, NYC). $27,000 - $28,000. Lead ALL of our fundraising efforts!

legs: nature’s napkin ™️

Its been over a month and I'm still thinking about this

If you’re not joking around with me you’re joking around against me

can’t get the taste of teeth out my mouth

New app: do you want to enable notifications? Me: I don't even want to have this phone

“let the pizza rest for five min-“ the pizza can rest when it’s dead

tired: saving to Documents wired: saving to the Desktop inspired: saving straight to the Trash

“I’m sure they know what they’re doing” is the worst assumption you can make. Basically nobody knows what they’re doing

"let people enjoy things" is over. we must want things to be good

oh you're hanging out with friends again?? ok well.. enjoy your echo chamber. i will be out with my enemies having a productive and intellectually enriching night of angrily stating and restating our standpoints on today's most important issues

Seagulls are like street signs, you don’t realize how big they are until you’re trying to steal one.

we need a better system to help us transition from vacation to being back home. i had to go to bed last night without a towel shaped into a lobster on my bed and that was some bs.

YOU’RE LISTENING TO SISYPHUS FM, THE HOME OF NON-STOP ROCK

Your teenage years are all about learning who you are as a person. Your 20s are for taking risks and making mistakes. Your 30s are for being stuck in a time loop. Your 40s are for being stuck in a time loop. Your 50s are for being stuck in a time loop.

I ORDER MY COFFEE BLACK. NO SUGAR. NO MILK. NO WATER. NO CUP. THEY HAND ME THE BEANS. I EAT THEM IN THE PARKING LOT LIKE A HORSE. THE BARISTAS HAVE STOPPED CHARGING ME. I HAVE NOT SLEPT SINCE TUESDAY. I CAN HEAR THE WIFI

Truth be told I sometimes use big words I don't fully understand just to make me sound cleverer and more ambidextrous.

Couple about to sign divorce papers… WOMAN: I wish I'd never joined that Star Wars dating app MAN: You were looking for love in Alderaan places WOMAN: And I wish I'd never married a guy addicted to Star Wars puns MAN: It was a wookie mistake WOMAN: Just sign it MAN, SIGNING: May divorce be with you

A good way to leave a conversation is to suddenly crouch down and scuttle away sideways like a crab