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Calmly explaining “bitch madness” to my primary care provider

🫱🏻‍🫲🏼 @thecard.bsky.social @weirdmiddlechild.bsky.social

call me a kook but i think we should vote for people who want to make our lives demonstrably better

Live, laugh, don't be an ass

"I went deep inside this weekend" should mean something devious, instead of touring caverns, but still...

me: [harmonica solo] judge: so… are you saying guilty, or not guilty?

don’t invite me to your sleepover unless the other invitees are all cats

Me: *does the robot* Interviewer: I meant skills related to the job.

😂Reality strikes. Sarah does it again - lol

😂 Very Terry Prachett

I never believed in hypnosis until the day I spent 6 hours semi-consciously scrolling in a kitten/puppy pic account.

Son: how’d you get your shoulders so big? Me: years and years of shrugging

It’s nearly census night! Time to count yer sheep, Straya

You’ve all chosen wisely in excluding me from your chat groups.

Not to brag, but sometimes, if I start a movie before 5 PM, I can stay awake for the whole thing.

i would never

mean things I say to myself@meantomyself.bsky.social · 2d ago

Don't quote me -shitposters on Bluesky

Receiving a dick pic from a guy is like your cat bringing you a dead mouse. I can see you're proud, but I'm not touching it.

I think I've 𝘧𝘪𝘯𝘢𝘭𝘭𝘺 mastered the art of overexaggeration.

Jesus I just about swallowed a bit poof of hair from one of my cats. That is not how I wanna die

Is too many chicken nuggets a thing? I don’t think it’s a thing

If you start a sentence with brother I’m reading the whole thing as hulk hogan every time

im a sad daughter, but i'm a happy mom. i'm basically kettle corn.

Do you think anyone will notice if I just hide in my exam room and nap all morning

biting the limbs off my animal crackers (therapeutically)

the you in your mind vs the you in your front facing camera

What if we kissed at the multinational makeout conglomerate

The Onion@theonion.com · 2d ago

Small Town’s Make-Out Point Purchased By Multinational Make-Out Conglomerate https://theonion.com/small-towns-make-out-point-purchased-by-multinational-make-out-conglomerate/

19 is displaying high levels of turning into a man. He told me about something that’s wrong with his car and then happily said it gives him an excuse to buy a jack

[job interview] boss: what would you do if faced with a situation where- me: give up immediately

But is he cool with your emotional support stuffed animal kingdom?