when you have an appointment in the middle of the day and enter waiting mode

Accidentally ate the silica gel packet in this bag of dicks, plz advise.

idk, seems like a whole bag is way too many dicks

Life is the quicksand they warned us about as kids.

a thing in life can actually break you so profoundly that you grow up to be a person who writes jokes on the internet

🫣

My cat thinks you have too many issues

what if we made out under the lights of an exploded spacex rocket

If you’re only following someone in hopes they follow you back to the extent that you get mad when they don’t— do what Tyger does and see yourself out

Burger King and Dairy Queen stretching out their hands to touch a final time as Hamburglar releases the guillotines, the peasantry roars

“You caught my eye," he says. I look in my hand. "Oh shit, is THAT what this thing is?”

You are what you collect.

**whispers nachos in your ear during sex

bro did you even absorb the sunshine and azure sky directly into your soul today or no

🎞️ GREAT FILMS CAN CHANGE YOUR LIFE FOR THE BETTER!!!

Sipping a shot of DayQuil like it's a 30 year scotch

Picard: "Doctor Crusher, status report." Doctor Crusher: "It's Wesley, Captain, he's down bad" Picard: "Damnit Wes, I warned you not to use the anime cat girl holodeck program. Lieutenant LaForge, eject Wes from the holodeck" LaForge: "Sir I think he's ejecting all on his own" Data: "Gross"

I don’t have a love language, just leave me alone and I’ll like you.

When Eve met that serpent in the Garden of Eden … She didn’t know him from Adam.

A volcano, because we have angered the hair follicles of the Gods.

Wheeling a 55 gallon trash can around Wal-Mart. This is one of the best Saturday nights ever.

Me: sorry, I only follow back people I interact with and recognize Also me: *dreads interacting and being recognized*

for a country with such staunch anti-immigration sentiment, Americans sure do love assuming everyone is American.