Asking the dermatologist to drain my liberal bubble

my rent went up again so the bacon grease goes down the drain

call me a kook but i think we should vote for people who want to make our lives demonstrably better

No two countries with a McDonald’s have ever run their candidates against each other in a Michigan democratic primary

current discourse feels like

My skeets use many of the same letters as successful skeets

*wakes up checks if I’m an overnight success, goes back to sleep.

Decision paralysis! At the Costco

an uber driver wearing sock puppets on both hands that talk to each other about how bad the steering wheel tastes your whole ride

I don’t care if it was clarinet in middle school… I still tell chicks I was in a band.

Whenever someone is doing math in their head, I just squint and give a good thinking face, then agree with whatever answer they got.

They're reinventing my brand to be both familiar but also refreshingly different later this fiscal quarter

[flashing red taking damage over time] hey guys whats up

tighten up the posts guys it's hard to read all that nonsense when im driving

I once called the cops on my own party because I was tired and wanted to go to bed

It is 2006. I am 22. The US is mired in a costly Forever War. A predictable historic market collapse looms. I do not have health insurance. It is 2026. I am 42. The US is mired in a costly Forever War. A predictable historic market collapse looms. I do not have health insurance.

I know I parked like an asshole, but I didn’t want to disturb the parking lot pigeon.

When life gives you demons, make demonade.

I desperately miss everyone standing 6 feet away from me

The character that I am performing today is someone who could somehow get through this work day.

sorry I can’t tonight, I’m crawling into the soft hollow of a fig and laying all my eggs and dying

My walk of shame is thinking I'm going in the store for a few things not needing a cart. Goes back to get a cart realizing I can't carry 20 items through the store in my arms.

Thinking about the time i went to a planetarium and someone booed when they showed the earth

Doing things is hard. Shoutout to anyone who does anything.

I do not freak unless froken too

i hope this email finds you and beats the shit out of you

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damn bro are you selling me a car because i have 0% interest

If you show up to Bluesky without following anyone, you'll be treated to a series of posts about art, music, and dogs. If you show up to X without following anyone, you'll be bombarded with right-wing conspiracies and white supremacist slop. It's weird which one is seen as a "political bubble"