Me: *making a phone call* why won’t they answer? Me: *receiving a phone call* why are they calling!

i am pure of heart but right next to it are my boobs which are full of evil

Live, laugh, don't be an ass

Cop: any illegal drugs on you? Me: what state am i in?

i begin every résumé with ‘i need friday off.’

People who say “I’ve had it up to here with you” I noticed there’s still space for more.

I don’t ever plan on becoming a better person

Hope my insurance covers meatball therapy

Take the swear words out of my vocabulary and I quickly become pretty quiet

Not to brag, but I boiled the right amount of pasta. Once. Five years ago

You're telling me this pig can speak latin?

Why talk when we can just do unspeakable things

Doctor: Eating a lot of cinnamon will help you lose weight. Me at the bakery: 37 cinnamon rolls please!

Bitches call me Robert cause I make dinero

There’s a guy at the farmers market who will read your tomato’s aura for a quarter

I don’t need a recipe for disaster, I just throw it all together

80s ad slogans that don’t work anymore: “reach out and touch someone”

Not exactly a calorie deficit kind of day

I can’t live with or without carbs

Not many will openly admit that they like green olives

Be happy. Avoid assholes

if eating in bed is wrong I don’t wanna be right

We had joy, we had fun Setting phasers now to stun

Every engineer has a favorite noise to ignore

why is it always incandescent why can’t i be bioluminescent with rage

I wish I could focus with even half the concentration of my dog determining where to poop

Very rarely do I encounter a person who makes me feel like a normal person

Napping. The ultimate yoga pose

Seems like cops are never around - unless you’re doing some real fun shit - that just might be illegal

Chugs tomato soup from a beer bong