this is like the time i got a new label maker

Show up on a first date with a pint of this and I will propose to you immediately.

You miss 100% of the sex you never get

Honey You Shrunk My Libido

i call my tits overworked and underpaid. and that’s just the left one.

Welcome to Deeks world Everything has sexual innuendo and snacks are served often

i have no idea what that means *like*

A wicker husband would fix me.

Did Waldo and Carmen Sandiego ever date? They have a lot in common

Dear Mom, The other cowboys keep making fun of me for only eating the M&Ms out of the trail mix. Life sure is hard out here on the range. Love, Your littlest cowboy

When life gives you demons, make demonade.

the you in your mind vs the you in your front facing camera

This feels like a trap.

Don’t judge yourself. That’s your cat’s job.

Mother Nature Sex Show

I really need to work on my happiness cause I'm tapped out with the people around me.

My very supportive mom when people ask her what kind of art I make

Target! What is you doin’?

doing the worm but it’s just me trying unsuccessfully to get up off the floor

I don’t mean to brag, but, my Face ID doesn’t recognize me without a $5 foot-long in my mouth

Remember, you always need a safe word. Follow me for more questionable dating advice.

#awesometattoo by @armslikewings

Ovulating so hard that I’m giving a guy with a J name a chance

these were the nunchucks of my forefathers, your honor

scrambled eggs, cheese and hot sauce is an egg salad. fight me

Life is short, eat the snacks. Tummy aches pass but a fat ass is forever.

Apparently, on Christian album covers in the ’60s, the only thing worse than the hair was the obliviousness to the lewd double entendres.

Why is it called a sausage fest when penal colony is right there?

Driving past the fields of Correctionville, Iowa. This must be where they grow the reply guys

Every time a bird poops on my car, I eat a plate of wings on my front porch to show them what I'm capable of.