I was the weird guy everyone told to touch grass. Look at me now touching the grass, is this better, do you like this

can I get more audience approval in the monitors

Just turned on the TV and it was some sad old person talking. Boring! I want to see skateboards! And truck ads!

me: hi, do you take returns? obstetrician: no

Interviewer: why do you want this job? Me: I'm a job guy. Love jobs

I can't wait for the 168h deodorant.

i miss when the internet was too hard for dumb people

When the state offers me clemency, I make clemonade.

ME: Would you like some pie? JASON BIGGS: No thanks. It just goes straight to my penis.

Where's the horse, Przewalski?

the average american streams eight spider-man movies in their sleep each year

Phone breaks are important - If I remain engaged in this app for more than 5 minutes at a time I forget im driving

We all have that one friend who is a giant octopus. Big Dave

Zsa Zsa Zsa Zsa Zsa Zsa Zsa Zsa Zsa Zsa Zsa Zsa Zsa Zsa Zsa Zsa Zsa Zsa Zsa Zsa Zsa Zsa Zsa Zsa Zsa Zsa Zsa Zsa Zsa Zsa Zsa Zsa Zsa Zsa Zsa Zsa Zsa Zsa Zsa Zsa Zsa Zsa Zsa Zsa Zsa Zsa Zsa Zsa Zsa Zsa Zsa Zsa Zsa Zsa Gabor

Jake_Vig@jakevig.bsky.social · 4d ago

Boutros Boutros Boutros Boutros Boutros Boutros Boutros Boutros Boutros Boutros Boutros Boutros Boutros Boutros Boutros Boutros Boutros Boutros Boutros Boutros Boutros Boutros Boutros Boutros Boutros Boutros Boutros Boutros Boutros Boutros Boutros Boutros Boutros Boutros Boutros Boutros-Ghali

I’m showing my age here, but when I’m buying weapons grade plutonium that’s more of a “on the computer” purchase. It feels weird buying it on my phone!

A ring is the ultimate engagement bait

Yeah, Nero fiddled while the CD of Rome burned, but back then the CD-R drives were super slow.

my self driving car ran over three people before I remembered that I was driving my regular car 

What if I am just part of a whole Dave that has been being repaired for a thousand years? Daveseus, if you will.

I just read Scarlett's letter

Kim Mannix@kimmannix.bsky.social · last wk.

My kid works at a library and found this note sticking out of a book. Dear Scarlett's parents, good job raising a rockstar. 😁

Before blocking please fill out this exit survey

BRYAN ADAMS: let me tell you about the time I got my first real six string ME: where? BA: at the five and dime M: a store that only sold items that cost nickels and dimes BA: played until my fingers bled M: shredding on your Fisher-Price guitar BA: was the summer of 69 M: you weren't even 10 yet

[me, just existing] well, this is embarrassing

playing a flute made from your backbone call that a spinal chord

OK guys. My New Year's resolution is to stop making All The Small Things song parody jokes. [January 1] HER: What are you making? Eggs Benedict? ME: 🎶 SO HERE'S YOUR HOLLANDAISE

You catch me watching you from across the street, just as a bus is about to ride between us. When the bus is gone, I'm still standing there. I haven't quite figured out the "disappearing with a passing bus" trick yet.

[girl introducing boyfriend to parents in 2026] GF: Mom, dad, this is Ricky, he has fuckin boss-ass content

I hate when you go to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same grim reaper costume