I once drove straight from the Pacific in Seattle to the Atlantic in Boston, every inch of interstate 90, in 53 hours non-stop save for refueling and washrooms, so when a Brit complains about a cross-country trip that takes as long as my old commute to work I basically want to offer them a pacifier

“Are you okay, ma’am?” “I think I swallowed my router.” “Here, take my seat.”

You see, kids, back when fucks were given, their value was appreciated at a premium, but they’ve been devalued so much on an international scale over the last few decades that no one gives them any more. It’s called Macrofuckenomics.

No, I would describe her bitch face as very active. I doubt it ever rests.

If you show up to Bluesky without following anyone, you'll be treated to a series of posts about art, music, and dogs. If you show up to X without following anyone, you'll be bombarded with right-wing conspiracies and white supremacist slop. It's weird which one is seen as a "political bubble"

By all means, address problems in agriculture and oversight and all that, but don't expect it to get any MAHA/anti-vaxxers on your side. Because they will just move the goalposts. That's what conspiracy theorists do. Railing against the conspiracy is what matters, its components are incidental.

somebody seems to be trying real hard to get Gurt’s attention

asked mom if she can help me with a meal plan at ucb and she gave me a $2 coupon for a pack of mission tortillas

“What’s a beautiful girl like you doing in a dump like this,” I ask, motioning to the entire country

I'm going to tell you guys what I tell my clients: I've never met a stupid person with anxiety.

Fun cooking tip: if a recipe calls for cream and you don’t have any you can just substitute double the quantity of whole milk and totally fuck it up

I should call him

Digital Brain@yourdigitalbrain.bsky.social · 4d ago

This fish's jaw stretches like a snake's throat to swallow prey bigger than its own head, no chewing needed

Christians should be banned from playing sports. Jesus provides them with additional strength, which gives them unfair advantage.

The average American eats eight Big Macs in their sleep every year

Person in my doorway: Hey! Me: *not looking up* I finished 10 minutes ago and emailed it to you Person: Thanks! Um. Just one more thing-- Me: *looks up slowly, sky begins to darken outside, lightning strikes in the distance*

Don't say "Easy! Just convert it to another format" to me, buddy. You don't know me. You don't know the deepest wounds in my soul or the terrifying files I've endured or the easy things I've seen and screwed up.

Motherfuckers be like, "they are going to track me through vaccines," and then support their towns having flock cameras. I need you to understand this; if you're pro flock cameras, I hate you and don't want you to read my posts.

this is like the time i got a new label maker

try telling it some knock knock jokes

maniacal laughter for maniacal circumstances doesn't feel like the best medicine, and that's why I take Prescription Drugs™️

Welcome to middle age. You now have a special space between your teeth that can fit an entire meal

the moment it says “out for delivery”

Any time someone asks you what your dream job is, be honest. Let them know you don't dream of labor.

Jimothy is a big Weird Al fan. Prove me wrong.

Life is like an open parentheses, it always leaves you wanting (this is where the end of the sentence should be

“I told Stu that he’d had too much to drink,” said one of the four, asking not to be identified, “he had no business being behind the wheel.”

Of all of the profound disappointments that I have faced in my life, be they personal or professional, none is more firmly fixed in my mind, nor more likely to have caused my deeply-rooted trust issues, than the discovery at age four that Play-Doh doesn't taste the way it smells.

I used to have a car with a separate washer fluid reservoir for the rear wiper and in the summers I would fill it with whole milk and turn the nozzle 180 degrees so I could hose down tailgaters with rancid dairy like some kind of Wisconsin James Bond

the dairy queen is just a figurehead the dairy parliament is the true seat of power

The internet is secreting a toxin more deadly than any tree frog today. Do not lick your phone.