Sorry I haven’t been skeeting very well I’ve been happy

there are two wolves inside of me, and neither one would be caught dead wearing navy blue with black.

saying the quiet parts out loud since 1987

Every day is a good day to try your best and wear your fucking seatbelt because you don’t know what the hell this world is gonna throw your way.

My dog doesn't know it's Friday the 13th. She’s just happy. Must be nice. Ignorance is a Jack Russell.

An elevator is the perfect life metaphor: you go up, you go down, you get stuck and looking at your shoes is preferable to eye contact.

went to the supermarket and all the people you’re avoiding said they saw you

Why can't all medicine taste like kids medicine? It's not fair. I want cherry flavored ativan

*puts treadmill on lowest setting and hops on* *I still get thrown backwards into the wall*

Helpful Friday tip: You can't spell ANXIETY without TINY AXE

I will adopt any kind of dog as long as it is very silly looking

him: your hair smells so good me: thanks, it's my deodorant from my long hair blowing into my armpits

Bet if Toys R Us spelled it Jeffery they wouldn’t have gone bankrupt

Mike complained that the touchless paper towel dispenser at Arby’s refused to acknowledge his existence by dispensing a towel. This is where it gets spooky — he passed away the next day. I know, right?

fascinating how social media has transformed "Guy who likes to hear himself talk" into "Guy who likes to watch himself type"

Him: ugh my lunch is cold Me: *reaches into a pocket of my JNCOs and pulls out a microwave*

Why can’t we just drink flu shots

This whole character should be the next James Bond

All these years later, I still pronounce it "cat fud." My daughter doesn't understand.

The real Friday the 13th curse is Outlook working again.

Why the hell am I finding out when I didn't fuck around?

My favorite Beatle? It would be easier to name my favorite child (Aiden).

Alien 1: They’re still surprised about the weather changing Alien 2, unpacking: Maybe next year

Daughter called me from school sick. Once I broke her out of there I discovered that what that means is they showed her a video of mold she didn’t like.

It's Friday the 13th. Anyone wanna come over and murder me by the lake? No weirdos

I just want to be as free as the trash flying around in the bed of my truck

Sending off bad vibes is becoming an effort. I wish there was a 5 Hour Negative Energy Drink.

If you find the bit of fingernail I left on the bus, please forward to me at my home address.

*me at a child's birthday party* and the children were screaming THE CHILDREN WERE SCREAMING

an alarm clock that attacks you until you disarm it