"I have Villanova in my bracket" - He said at the restaurant bar not knowing a single thing about college basketball.

Tonal languages are great because as long as you can at least match the melody you can sing along.

shark: *smirking* no hablo inglés

Server: a little Quiche before your main sir? Me: ok, but no tongue

I don’t usually hold grudges but I’m still pissed off at that cat who walked on one of my roof tiles while it was drying in the Roman sun 2000 years ago

mechanic who fixed my horn boy scouts 🤝 beep repaired

I have a complete set of alf trading cards so I guess you could say I like to keep it real

I love star trek that's the one with captain dirk and mr. speck right

[alien with coke bottle glasses] TAKE ME TO YOUR OPTOMETRIST

I like my women how I like my coffee; sweet, hot, and that one time in college.

They say to dress for the job you want, but I'm not allowed to wear pajamas to work

“We will sell no wine before its time.”

“Nobody’s going anywhere until you two work this out.”

what i mean when i say i’m busy

me: *reading my horoscope* my horoscope: before we get into this, you may want to pour yourself a stiff drink

I dunno maybe you could come over and fill my mouth with your hot Italian sausage if you wanna

It’s good but I don’t like it. -person reposting without liking

They don’t tell you, but you can smoke at confession

I run off of the fumes of the reply guys that tell me I’m pretty.

always terrifying when no one is there to bless you and you're just racking up unblessed sneezes

referring to my diagnoses like crimes to my doctors to keep things interesting, like "I've been accused of having," and adding "allegedly" to whatever they say

Tuesday: I dunno guys maybe Monday gets a bad rap Monday: Wednesday: sighs Thursday: well I d…. Friday: Hahaha hahaha hahaha Monday: fuck you Friday Tuesday: and there we go

Nothing unites so strongly as mutual sarcasm.

If you don’t have anything nice to say, enunciate everything loud and clear.

I thought it was Friday for about 2 minutes this morning coincidentally I was happy for about 2 min this morning

Let’s all pretend to be functional together.

With all the advancements in technology, you'd think someone would've come up with a better printer.

I've said it before and I'll say it again: fuckin' thursdays…