Yes, you can sweep me off my feet, as long as you're sweeping.

Software update tonight? Software update tonight queen?

There’s no one I relate to more than people who fuckin hate me.

me covering up a mistake with an even bigger, more obvious mistake

Best.Card.Ever.

People can change. For example I used to blink before I started playing minesweeper obsessively

TFW the giant announces he smells your blood.

I come from a long line of people who'll queue up for anything.

Midwest bdsm goes hard

Good omens: Ducks Airplanes flying tilted up Kei trucks A single star to wish on A toddler wearing snow boots in July Bad omens: Helicopters A rock hitting your windshield Cybertrucks The worst omens: The orange Cybertruck The matte black Cybertruck The lime green Cybertruck

A free mattress that’s been sitting in the rain? I’d be stupid not to!

You can never really *own* earbuds. You just have to appreciate the time you had together.

Oh is that a STUDENT DRIVER sticker? How about I rear end you and teach you about real life. Welcome to Interstate 95, kid. your next lesson is insurance fraud

Sleep is just a suggestion, really.

"People can't be that dumb" is not supposed to be a challenge

Most people just wish you a nice day, but tomorrow I’m going to tell people to have a good month. Cuz I’m an overachiever.

remember roaming charges and paying ten cents per text? remember how you used to be able to afford food then? at least our data is free, nom nom nom

I don't care about your conversation with a bot or a scammer or ai. I think less of you for interacting with it at all

I need a way to beep at people behind me

no gods, no masters, no shoes, no service

I hope the people who do the ads for pharmaceuticals are ready to rattle off the side effects of +řűmp Beef.

Me as a doctor: you might feel a little pinch Tiny lobster in my pocket: *clack clack*

Notice how she's wearing a crew neck while his labial throat is tucked and cucked behind a literal V at his collar. She's wearing red, the color of war, mars, arguably the most masculine color. She's driving the computer while he's riding sidesaddle next to her. Cucking ritual.

if Trump said the sky was blue I would feel I had to go outside to fact check

Rooty tooty fresh and fruity Let me see you shake that booty

do sharks get the fish oil burps too

If the great California PBR beer heist doesn’t make it into gta 6 I’m going to be very let down

Someone's banging, Lord Kumbaya

Mouse king: Guards! Cheese him!

August was just Yosemite Sam falling down an impossibly long staircase in armor.