The only good thing you can say about AI is that it might kill us

Thinking about the times George Carlin made jokes about publicizing executions and how hard conservatives skewered him his whole life.

Ghost you? I’ll fucking haunt you

Just sent a text that was emotional, vulnerable and included the phrase “I think I’m finally healing.” Unfortunately, I sent it to my plumber and he just now replied with “I’m proud of you!”

*Dissociates into the sun*

But mom I don't want to watch an execution.

I wish I were a blue jay, just flying around and screaming

pretty sure seething burns fat calories

Why can't I have the kind of mental illness that makes me want to run a lot

are people still buying houses with basement hell portals

Hot singles in your area want to eat your still beating heart

Hell, I'd be happy if we were only marginally fucked.

sexy ghosts wear satin sheets

Disappointed to learn Squirrel Nut Zippers do not get their name from little furry critters wearing tight pants but rather a candy inspired by the antics of a drunk dude in Vermont

I wish to be morose. Leave me.

"No live organism can continue for long to exist sanely under conditions of absolute reality; even larks and katydids are supposed, by some, to dream." - Shirley Jackson

Wearing my weighted vest to Marshalls so everyone knows I'm going through it

I’m a tall drink of water and 3 ibuprofen

Me: well, you’re a talkative little guy Cat: *translation* On a mountain of skulls, in the castle of pain, I sat on a throne of blood! What was will be! What is will be no more! Now is the season of evil

I don't tell Communist jokes on social media because MAGA may not understand them, and Communist jokes are only funny when everyone gets them.

I'm in beast mode! A sloth is a beast. Right?

it’s too late for you, donate your hopes and dreams to science

i bet Icarus burned the roof of his mouth

Her: You use so many obscure words, it’s as though you’re trying to bury us with them. Me: Indeed, a veritable plethora of words.

a reese's peanut butter cup the size of a bathtub so i can wallow in it

her: did you know makeup expires? me: *spits mine out* WHAT

[the Minotaur at the Fall Festival erupts from the edge of the maze clutching corn stalks] this structure is no challenge, no punishment for the hubristic and the wicked. Frankly embarrassing.

I like to think that part of he Headless Horseman’s curse is that his pumpkin head regrows fresh each night, and he must carve a new expression every day.

Missed Connection: my toaster cannot reach the outlet from the bathtub.

First date idea: we sit facing in lotus position, and race to see who can spontaneously combust first.