The clasp of my watch had shown some early signs of fatigue, but I still didn't expect it to slip off my wrist and down through the gap in the deck like a Soviet platform diver defecting through a secret underwater hatch.

Before the internet we had to shout at books

My skeets use many of the same letters as successful skeets

Me: *does the robot* Interviewer: I meant skills related to the job.

My wife says I remind her of James Bond. I’m not good at following orders, I’m emotionally dead, and she’d like to see the role go to Idris Elba.

In the thick of the artifice.

What to wear for #InternationalOwlAwarenessDay Owl dress, Bill Gibb, c. 1970-1979, embroidered silk, V&A Bes-Ben owl nest hat, 1950s Rose quartz owl walking stick, c. 1900 Sothebys 20th c. owl fan www.thefanmuseum.org.uk/collections/...

The first rule of thumb club is approximate.

Pulling "heinous" off my lexical bench and into regular use

Downplay a book or a movie: The Sound and the Bother

✫✫LVN✫✫@urbanaudacity.blacksky.app · 3d ago

Downplay a book or movie: Toy Summary

Here I go again on my phone

any turtle can be a snapping turtle if the jazz is smooth enough

Singing “Happy Birthday” to A Horse with No Name and watching the realization on everyone’s faces as we get closer to the end of of the song

ME: *in the third day suffering the throes of atrial fibrillation* does the heart that beats erratically not need more sustenance than the rhythmic one? *proceeds to eat three cookies*

I lost a decade somewhere. I don't want it back. I'm just curious as to where it went.

This one time, I was out shopping (professionally) and a man walking the other direction stepped forcefully into my path. He was evangelizing some Biblical-sounding passage. I took out one earbud, and matched him in volume and cadence, but with the last text I'd heard: Rock Lobster.

Jessica Price@delafina777.bsky.social · last wk.

I will reiterate: Christians in the West evangelize in public for the same reason men catcall. Neither is trying to persuade you; both are reminding you that the public sphere belongs to them and you exist in it at their sufferance.

x-rated modems tell baudy jokes

i love thinking of jokes and then finding out someone else did it 87 years ago in an AOL chatroom

My first job was elevator phone answerer and most people get stuck because they just want someone to talk to, to tell them it's okay to go up through the trapdoor

Pardon me, is this road less traveled by? I don't normally bring an empty barstool out to the woods and gesture as if some path sits alone and approachable next to it but I saw you from across the zooming in on google satellite maps and

No degree or accolade can match the feeling I get when an animal decides I'm comfortable enough to fall asleep on

[group text after a hangout] Thank you all so much again for the visit! I'm sorry I cried over a chipmunk. It was otherwise a lovely time!

Going down the plughole must be pretty fun if you're water

I don’t want to die peacefully in my sleep.. I’d rather be surrounded by force ghosts of loved ones who have gone before me while I do something brave.

Still reeling from going to the zoo this weekend and seeing an orangutan, which is basically a person, just sitting there in a hammock. I was tearing up imagining being a sentient creature in a captivity, then looked at my husband, who sighed a troubled sigh and murmured, “I wish I were in a zoo”

I hate it when vague people do certain things

[wine & paint night] Wife: wtf is that Me: Rihanna fighting Godzilla in machu picchu Wife: Drunk Guy Behind Me: that's fuckin rad

Was hoping to escape work early today but they kept foisting more upon my ultimately insurmountable pile of scrivenings.

Time for my dreams to turn my fears into weird little plays