heard it called Scamazon Crime and i think thats just lovely

Every time I see baked enchiladas I die a little inside

a little known fact gluttony only became a sin after god watched me eat my first couple of meals

schrödinger’s cat just wanted to nap in a box

Dueling flowers choose pistils at dawn.

ever notice how when you're away on holiday all your unused screen time gets converted into calories

My kid must think that I watch movies with my eyes closed

the average american streams eight spider-man movies in their sleep each year

if I wanted to shock people I would just say I wasn’t into corn dogs anymore

All staff meeting Monday so my main job duty will be trying to control my eye-rolling today

Uncrustables™ is more than just a product. it's a philosophy. Be uncrustable. Live uncrustably.

"Hey do you want to hear what the CEO of..." No.

four fucks ache

If I was French-Irish, I would change my name to Guy O’Tine

richie@theregoesrichie.bsky.social · 4d ago

post your worst draft

Hi. I'd like to introduce myself. But I won't.

when my imaginary friend is feeling discouraged i give them a pep talk to let them know i believe in them

If you're ever hiking in the woods and get lost, just look up and find the brightest star in the sky and you'll know which way space is.

Like cartilage on my knees, my patience for this bullshit is long gone

If I were an influencer I’d say something like: plates are overrated, and then hold up a taco in my hand

ask not for whom the cheese rolls it rolls for me

instant gratification isn’t enough. gratification should anticipate what i want

[inside of a Trojan horse]: ugh is someone reheating fish in here

My parents are “oh yeah, I forgot to tell you I had surgery yesterday” years old

“We paid extra for this?” -me after seeing The Odyssey in IMAX

Billhelm@kaiserbillhelm.bsky.social · 4d ago

I’d see more movies in theaters if it weren’t for everyone else seeing a movie in a theater

posting for the fifth time in a row is this what it feels like to be a workaholic

I say I’m going to take the piss while in Britain and then I never return from the bathroom

I’d see more movies in theaters if it weren’t for everyone else seeing a movie in a theater

is it cyclospora or am I on my period? 🤔

Her: Something is burning. Me: I’m making grilled cheese. Her: But we’re out of bread. Me: …Bread?