ME: And another thing, It should be called a buycycle when it's in the shop and a bicycle when you get it home. MY KIDNAPPER: *crying* Omg we let you go two hours ago

“Son of A Preacher Man” is a good soundtrack for life. Driving along a lonesome highway? Son of a preacher man. Eating a wheel of cheese? Son of a preacher man. Having sex with a guy named Billy Ray? Son of a motherfucking preacher man

Everytime I tune into current events I google how much a lobotomy costs

Freedom is a heavy load, a great and strange burden for the spirit to undertake. It is not easy. It is not a gift given, but a choice made, and the choice may be a hard one.

Reminder to sporadically check on your goths in this heat. Check under logs/in shaded graveyards and leave out a little dish of water at dusk.

If you're ever hiking in the woods and get lost, just look up and find the brightest star in the sky and you'll know which way space is.

when my imaginary friend is feeling discouraged i give them a pep talk to let them know i believe in them

when other people talk about their wild college days they mean binge drinking and promiscuity but when I do it I mean the time I carefully forged a school parking pass and got away with it for several semesters before my car got impounded by campus police

This is Hunter. He came very close to having an entire thought. Ended up being a false alarm. 13/10 (IG: itshunterthelab)

Hi. I'd like to introduce myself. But I won't.

Found this on Tumblr with the caption, "Saw a fire, stopped his car, got out and Madonna'd the fuck out of those flames". I want him carnally.

Asking AI to write my wedding vows and adding the prompt 'make it from the heart'

gonna start talking like this to my boss

It's important for me to teach my kids to be independent and self-reliant, because I won't be around forever, especially if I win the lottery

Points deducted for the seat or the floor

Missing my very first social media friend, Tom.

I’m a snitch I’m a liar I’m a fiend pants on fire I’m a goblin and a thief I will not brush my teeth

Ruin a book by adding a word: The Body Count of Monte Cristo

Henry LaCaville 🇨🇦@henrylacaville.bsky.social · 2w ago

Ruin a book by adding a word: Dog Catcher in the Rye

Ruin a book by adding a word: Charlotte’s Dark Web

James Damron@runswindows95.bsky.social · 2w ago

Ruin a book by adding a word: The Invisible Man Bun

"pain is weakness leaving the body" sure, man. to go get his other pain friends to come back and fuck you up

Ruin a book by adding a word: Stranger in a Strange Land Rover

A-A-Ron@rubyclimber.bsky.social · 2w ago

Ruin a book by adding a word: The Shoe Shining

I quit my job at the helium factory. I refuse to be spoken to in that tone!

🎃 Agent Pumpkin 🎃@agentpumpkin.bsky.social · 2w ago

I used to work at an orange juice factory, but I was fired because I couldn't concentrate.

Come to the lake! Listen to the waves lapping the shore, the wind softly blowing through the trees, the drum & bass of the party barge slowly cruising by ruining everyone's day

studying for my eye exam like a good pupil

i can’t close these they’re my emotional support tabs

**grabbing you by the collar** THE DOOR IS NOT A JAR. THAT JOKE HAS NEVER BEEN FUNNY.

You eat one amazing peach then spend the rest of your life buying lousy peaches trying to repeat the experience. Forever chasing that peach dragon; that’s how good it was.

Dogs are cool. Cats are cool. People who think that you can’t love both equally therefore are 50% less happy than they could be. It’s just mathematics.