be a dear and fetch my emotional support party size bag of Cheetos

“I know you think you’re being funny, but honestly Dave, it’s just hurtful.”

I hope this email finds the wallet I lost in 2004

I open the door to the basement where the guest will stay, pausing briefly to inquire how they feel about dolls.

Every day the office across from my office gets to watch me park, check the line, and then re-park.

When one door closes, another one opens. That’s how I learned the refrigerator needs leveling.

no i’m not “detail oriented” that’s where the devil is

When your son texts you that he's getting frozen yogurt on the way home, but doesn't ask if you want anything

Homer Simpson Crying

ALT: Homer Simpson Crying

static.klipy.com

ZOOKEEPER: Eagles can actually swoop down and pick fish directly out of the water ME: *way too loud* They're so talonted ZOOKEEPER: *tazing me* How did you get back in here

It’s not gonna come up organically since we’re not hanging around each other, but I have to let you know that I’m really good at making the shot when I toss something into the garbage can. 

I didn't want those nachos they wanted me

Garbanzo beans sounds like they were named by The Muppets

sometimes when you're a kid and a bully takes your money, you don't know whether to cry or call the police, so make sure to knock that kid down and take their phone before they do either

How to enjoy a staff meeting: 1. Stop listening. 2. Imagine you’re down at Fraggle Rock.

Girls just wanna have none (of your unsolicited advice)

Just blocked someone for pointing out that my post had a dangling modifier. Next time don’t be so pedantic, mom.

you can tell a lot about a woman by the way she decides to burn your house down

Little called bugles finger chips & now that's the only thing they'll ever be called again in this house.

*Advice Needed* Signed up to do Stand-up Comedy at my work talent show. What is the best way to get a meeting with HR? They seem fun.

I used to work in advertising and I don't get to write client ad copy anymore but I can always just walk around saying things to myself like, "Maybe I was born with it; maybe I'm ✨spiraling✨" and pretend Anxiety™️ is gonna pay me

Baby needed to be put in a corner but yall don’t want to talk about that

Me: [showing childhood trophies] this one's for swimming, this one's for football, this one's for soccer Her: I thought your name was Grant Me: lol this isn't even my house

robber: GIVE ME THE MONEY cashier: ok 😭😭😭 robber: PUT IN A BAG cashier: they're 25¢ now is that ok 😭😭😭

Inexplicably started hand jiving while passing a school for mimes and got arrested for inciting a riot

I don't have an embarrassment of riches but you can count on me for a richness of embarrassments.

Corey Hart: I wear my sunglasses at night. Insurance agent: Yeah, you are not going to be eligible for these safe driver discounts.

17: Why do you always have to embarrass me? Me: [shows him page 1 of “How To Be A Dad” instruction manual]

I’m essentially a ravioli. All tucked in the blankets and full of cheese.

Today I will be hosting a book sale until the librarians notice

There are few things I enjoy more on a cold, wet, wintry day than driving past a line of shivering commuters stuck at a bus stop in the rain, with my radio and my heater both blasting on full. In fact, that's probably the main reason I became a bus driver in the first place.