🎶It’s my dick in a pot🎶

lord beer me strength

Friendly reminder in my mom’s bathroom

Just sharing the gay apparel I donned.

You cry tears; I cry jokes

What if I stay under the warm blankets? Yes, this is best.

I just saw a shadow thrown by a cloud that was shaped like a penis, does that mean 6 more weeks of wiener?

And yet we keep posting

Neither miserable, nor happy, but a secret more complicated third thing

pez dispenser that dispenses lil bites of cheese

Is it possible that I used the word "scallawag"one too many times while sexting?

Pudding on the Ritz 🎶

Me, five minutes after leaving the house: I have made a terrible mistake and must return to my nest immediately.

We would make a beautiful fucking catastrophe

Over the river AND through the woods? In this economy?

these chores could have been a montage

apostrophe is short for a piece of shit trophy

i keep my 3D printer in the bedroom in case i get any good ideas

🎼 Twist and shout🎶 *can twist without shouting and shout without twisting

Goofy dancing in the kitchen is where it's at.

You ever notice how "ok don't take this personally" is always followed up with something really freaking personal

If you like stickin’ it to the Merry Christmas crowd with a hearty Happy Holidays, try Enjoy the Season instead—it enrages them even more. Enjoy the season!

I’d love to be thankful for not having to dine with certain family members but alas and alack.

I picked up some pastries for tomorrow's staff meeting.

Throw away last year’s holiday wrapping paper before this shit gets out of hand again.

“Father Brown is over,” I told my company and wished them well on their journey home.

Alright who stuck the pill in my cheese cube?

Life: I’m out of lemons is Pepsi ok?

Might sell Avon door to door as a side hustle