I wanted to grow up to be a widow

One thing no one told us when we decided to go with a flat roof on our house is how much time raccoons would spend practicing their gymnastic tumbling routines on it during the night.

If the absolute worst people support a candidate, the rest of us should probably support someone else regardless of the distance that candidate tries to create from the worst people.

🎶If you go onto the ice today you're sure of a big surprise! If you go onto the ice today you'd better go in disguise! For every bear that ever there was will gather there for certain Because today's the day the Polar Bears have their orgy!🎶

It’s fine, you can’t change the name of anything referenced in “Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald”, it’s a legal document

Burned the roof of my mouth on an insanely hot (temperature-wise) curry the other night and now it hurts to drink coffee. Just shoot me.

An interesting trend that is coming out of my analysis is that while the number of people I know named Dick has dropped to nearly zero, the number of dicks I know has skyrocketed

My sextape is called (predictive text): the red one because I don’t have any more red ones

Misery Highlight@miseryhighlight.bsky.social · 6d ago

My sextape is called…(predictive text). My sextape is called the best of all the best things in my body.

Rode alongside two rivers today. My reward was a cheap cocktail from a can

I read Irving's "The Questionable Gorp" in high school, but never saw the film.

Overheard some dudes in the health food store discussing "questionable gorp".

There is a 88% chance my chalk outline will be holding a slice of pizza.

Doing my crunches for the day* *eating tacos

People are always using the urinal as a trash can. Spitting gum into it. Empty snack wrappers. Last time I looked, I saw a feeble, sniveling creature. It peered up at me, it called me father. Walking it down the aisle was the most rewarding experience of my life

Interviewer: Have you ever had a non-profit job before? Me: Yes, all of them

When I hear someone says compression hose, it hits my brain as compression ho’s, which I’m sure is a kink out there

hey Bill, got your note about the plums no worries I'll hit the store on the way home

Woken up at 3am to dogs going crazy, loud commotion outside and flashlights. By the time I got downstairs there were two cops wrestling a local addict to the ground in my backyard, which is NOT easy to get into. Somehow they managed not to trample the garden, but there is blood on the fence.

Either I’m not telekinetic or my telekinesis doesn’t work on my neighbors.

Show me your pet and who they're named after

Goose the Magnificent@augustagoose.bsky.social · 3w ago

Show me your pet and who they’re named after

Inventing a little Zamboni to scrape the burnt bits and apply an even layer of butter to my toast.

"Hey ho, let go! Hey ho, let go! Hey ho, let go!" - Joey Ramone trying to pull a tennis ball out of his dog's mouth.

My lawyer just rode by on a Segway wearing a neck brace

No one drives better than I do, especially since I discovered my license expired two years ago.

I had ice cream for dinner just as the prophecy foretold

(first date) Me: so, twist ties: clockwise or counterclockwise? Her: um, does it matter? Me: I’ll call you a cab

baby culture tells of a legendary hero, The One Whose Nose Cannot Be Gotten

My work’s kitchen has two microwaves whose clocks are set five minutes apart so it feels like I’m time travelling when I walk back and forth between them.

Discovering that I'm 5 months older than 56-year old Gianni Infantino, a guy who I had thought was in his 70's, has really put a damper on my day.