ME: And another thing, It should be called a buycycle when it's in the shop and a bicycle when you get it home. MY KIDNAPPER: *crying* Omg we let you go two hours ago
me: What a good looking baby. How old? them: Thank you! She’s 15 months. me: So she’s 1…
Why are they trying to normalize wrestling?? It’s not gonna happen
He sent me a photo of my double chin, your honor
Me: Heading to work, pal. I’ll be home at four. Dog: Dude, you think I have any idea what “four” means? I’m not even sure how many legs I have.
I survived the Hula Hoop craze. I imagine I will survive the Hot Honey fad.
[wine & paint night] Wife: wtf is that Me: Rihanna fighting Godzilla in machu picchu Wife: Drunk Guy Behind Me: that's fuckin rad
humming Radiohead to pregame for an early morning psychiatrist appointment is my form of tailgating
what's a good healthy coping mechanism to try for someone just getting into healthy coping mechanisms
I'm pretty sure if I went on vacation right now I'd just stay there.
[Oprah voice] you get a tariff and you get a tariff and you
[first date] Him: So what do you do? Her: I’m a toxicologist. Him: So you study all my exes?
I asked my doctor if my heart was healthy enough to take Viagra and he said it’s not even healthy enough to watch the commercials.
me: I’m not interested, but you should go talk to my neighbor Mark salesman: does he want solar? me: no, I just don’t like him
Some of y'all really fkn love your own face and it [repeatedly] shows
🎶just another manic monday wish it were sunday that's my gun day everybody run day running over people in my hyundai
searching for pinky bumpers to keep the dent from my iPhone from getting any bigger fuck this