“i don’t want to be motivated” a thing i just said out loud to no one

missed connection: your office, 10am tuesday. we made small talk. you asked me to spit. you put your hands in my mouth. I lied about flossing

for centuries, man has dreamed of creating a toilet with a conscience...

In heaven you can punch anyone you want in the face

this is the absolute last chance for iran to make a good deal during the group stage, after that they won't be able to make a good deal until the round of 32 next week

Bro I can't stop thinking about the plums you left in the fridge

“The earliest terminators were easy to spot,” Kyle said. “They didn’t have voice chips. They had to load cassettes in their chests like homicidal Teddy Ruxpins.” “How did you stop them?” Sara asked “If you got close enough, you could swap in an Enya tape. Took the fight right out of them.”

Crap Tops: the new gen z trend where you shit in your shirt

It doesn’t feel strange at all to get horny over a man made of wicker in 2026.

Big news! We now have our very own teen wolf on display, at least until the Department of Social Services steps in.

When the state offers me clemency, I make clemonade.

Effervescent is just a polite way of saying fuckervescent

Each of our golf course holes is named after one of the owner’s children except for hole 15, Mr Peanut, which is named after his cause of death

maniacal laughter for maniacal circumstances doesn't feel like the best medicine, and that's why I take Prescription Drugs™️

You seem like a person who hates ingredients

I refer to soups by their color like Gatorade

Forget turning water into wine, I’d like to see Jesus turn a packet of Del Taco mild sauce into a green 1992 Volvo 240 wagon

God gave us microwave burritos knowing we would burn ourselves (free will) but also a quick healing roof of the mouth (Christ's salvation)

Pivoting from "would dad approve" to "would a bug approve" makes landscaping a lot more enjoyable

Waiting for a knight to come along and plug my sewing machine in.

Seems like nothing costs a buck three-eighty anymore

Them: BECOME UNMANIPULATABLE! Me: ...NO!

Our hotel housekeeping staff have been on strike for a week. We have no idea who’s been going in and changing your sheets.

I miss the simpler days of the 1980s on Bluesky when everyone was posting about Chemin De Fer jeans, Dokken, and their Thighmaster

Jonas Salk Hologram To Be Prosecuted By People Who Didn't Get Polio

If you can relate to me..great. If you can't..try harder.

Hi I'm hot Not like that Not like that either The third awful way 😭

You call one person Dipshit and everyone stares as if it is their name as well.