If you don't have anything weird to say, don’t talk to me

It's election eve. Leave a plate of hanging chads out on a table near your fireplace.

Can whoever gets their foot in the door hold it open for the rest of us?

I’m using my extra hour for evil

3 out of 4 grocery cart wheels would like the 4th one to stop making things weird.

I stopped changing clocks after the wood burning stove incident of 2012.

Next year I'll dress up as a semicolon so no one pays any attention to me

love it when my cat is all up in my face when I am not wearing glasses she looks like she is in the Sure Shot video

seven ate nine, but then seven got food poisoning sick seven

I didn't think I had a Halloween hangover until I saw that my neighbor had all of their Christmas decorations up before 8 am this morning and I felt so sick

“more like the devil wears nada” i drunkenly slur, as i disrobe at the car wash

I was cleaning three wine glasses and, I am not sure how to break it to you, but I ended up with two clean glasses. I'm feeling shattered.

be the full size chocolate bar you wish to see in the world

so we all just left daylight for dead, right?

When I die contact me by oouija board because I'm still not answering phone calls.

Days are an invention by the government to make us believe we need to seize something

Extra hour this morning to consider the agonies

time to change from my candy eating pants to my pie eating pants

STOP ADDING PROTEIN TO EVERY GODDAMN FOOD YOU SICK TWISTED BASTARDS

Well, it’s time to get this over with, is all I got for a motivational speech.

Pretty good house I saw yesterday.

Time is on your side and it won't leave you alone. All stick tick no tock.

This is when I take an ill advised nap in order to ruin tonight’s sleep.

It's clock change time. I replaced the sun dial and the replica of stone henge with digital clocks on my phone, stove, microwave, and car.

Is zuul russian for school?

If you were the don of the Bird Mafia you could say things like flock around and find out

It’s not popular these days to say you love your job but I actually do love my job so

A drivers license but for Costco carts

Too young to fake senility, too old to be put up for adoption.