Life is like a box of chocolates. Fucking expensive these days.

my wildest fantasy is a long list of books I want to be left alone to read.

The less you do, the less you feel like doing. It’s science.

Bluesky is definitely playing favorites when I see more moots on other moots' feeds than my own.

"You had best unfuck yourself or I will unscrew your head and shit down your neck!"

please stop replying “skill issue” on all my posts

please stop replying “I know you are but what am I” to all my posts I’m very fragile right now

"I'm still punk," I wince as I turn the heating pad on my back to high.

teach a man to fish before you eat him, or you’ll be hungry again in an hour.

IMO if social media had a smell, it would be the smell of stale beer and burnt popcorn.

Remember to ask your employer for a 25% pay raise to offset tariffs today...

(National Espionage Agency) interviewer: so what makes you think you’d be a good spy? Wally:

If you could read my mind I really wouldn’t.

me: i had a dream that johnny appleseed pointed to his wife’s titties & said ‘how you like dem apples’ & then george washington carver pointed to his crotch & said 'how you like deez nuts' my gynecologist: what

give a man a fish and he'll look at you suspiciously and ask what happened to the chips

give a man a fish and he'll probably eat it i don't know what else he would do it's one fish bro let it go

a shower so hot it burns the dirt & sweat off you

Boy they sure don’t make AI like they used to.

Bee babies should be called beebee’s.

don’t invite me to your sleepover unless the other invitees are all cats

bought several decorative soaps yesterday, and I feel like a new person

Not a friend, not a bsky crush, but a secret shitposter thing.

What's your diagnonsense?

Launching a GoFundMe to fund my Werther’s Originals habit.

go ahead and get that tattoo. you've already disappointed your parents

instant gratification isn’t enough. gratification should anticipate what i want

The hotel key was in the pocket of yesterday's pants.

Person in my doorway: Hey! Me: *not looking up* I finished 10 minutes ago and emailed it to you Person: Thanks! Um. Just one more thing-- Me: *looks up slowly, sky begins to darken outside, lightning strikes in the distance*

[first date] Rupert Holmes: I like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain. Wicked Witch of the West: This isn't going to work out.

So you want me to build a runoff system for your moxie to protect the town's ego from potential structural damage? Sorry, I put up some I'm ok I guess gutters one time and squirrels didn't really believe it