Me: [forgetting the word pineapple] one large fruit grenade please

me: i beg of thee impart thy wisdom o' cherished and revered soothsayer that i shall find comfort in your guidance and strength to persevere coffee:

it’s batman day

You’re really pretty, wanna hit me with a shovel?

I am not officially part of the orchestra, but that’s not gonna stop me from playing this goddam trumpet.

Typical Saturday. Put rotisserie chickens on my hands and ran into the ER screaming

Why's it called erectile dysfunction and not cocknitive decline?

ok but seriously i need a new bsky name

shrimp fettuccine with Texas toast

Are we allowed to look directly at the moon? Feels unaddressed.

back in the day being a Dickhead just meant u were a fan of Charles Dickens novels

Rock, paper, scissors, arson.

It's pretty apt that the i is in the middle of 'hurricane'

Evolution of communication: 1990’s: page me 2000’s: call me back after 9 when it's free 2010’s: text me 2020’s: send me a picture of your cat

you wouldnt be able to tell from the amount of laundry i produce but i am in fact just one man

Trees are wind instruments. Fight me.

I can’t sleep with all that racket going on out there *closes window* Alexa, play nature sounds

Three sheets to the wind..A Ghost Story.

Pardon me, is this road less traveled by? I don't normally bring an empty barstool out to the woods and gesture as if some path sits alone and approachable next to it but I saw you from across the zooming in on google satellite maps and

A pigeon built a nest for her kitty friend when the cat became pregnant. This unusual act of interspecies care highlights the remarkable capacity for empathy and connection that can exist between different animals. 😍❤️❤️🐈🐦‍⬛

What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday? Aye matey!

Today's antique store find is this glass swan powder box from the 40s. I love the color and had to have it ❤️

[@ HomeDepot™️] guy: im hammered. wanna screw ? his gf: are you nuts ? *bolts* guy: nailed it [annnnnnnd *send* 😬]

Do flat earthers meet year round?

my face when trying to take a selfie: I can give you resting bitch face or unhinged psycho smile there is no in between so what’ll it be

butterfly likes my vans 🥹🦋✨

this girl is my everything.