Soothsayer sounds like a pretty easy job. You only have to say one word.

i’m built different, i can see the forest through the trees (satellite view)

We all got that one homie who arrives at the function in a radioactive chrysalis.

Christening a baby is nothing like christening a ship. I know that now. Once again I can only apologise.

Can you get stuck inside a revolving door metaphor? Everybody going in and out of my life affects me with just one sentiment "you never whoosh anymore why did you stop whooshing"

Stuck in the middle, I forgot the beginning and didn’t foresee the end.

Watching the news, as a bit.

I'm adjusting my life goals to the more realistic standard of being a good cautionary example

they should invent a way for you to drop your kid off at college without it making you feel sad

[taco bell drive thru] Hi, I'd like enough tacos to forget 2026

Women and children first so men can enjoy some quiet time before the ship sinks.

I didn't agree to any of this shit.

My favorite human emotion is uncontrollable laughter

#angrychango

Sometimes I feel bad for the people who always find something to repost when people repost them because I don't give them much to work with

Spider gets bitten by a radioactive human and develops the ability to doom scroll and bitch about the weather.

I come from a long line of women with impressive collections of trinkets, doodads, and soul-trapping incantations

I’m a simple girl all I need are some things that don’t even exist.

If we reskeet each other regularly then we probably share similar issues and have formed a support group

Have you considered waking up as a more attractive and whole human being?

what if eyeballs were testicles you could see out of

find something beautiful and protect it from everything that isn’t

[pulling a cat out of my emotional support hoodie] here hold this i got an xxl and theres like 6 more tucked in here

[spelling bee] Your word is “queue.” 𝘊-𝘶-𝘦. Sorry, that is wrong. 𝘘. Wrong again. 𝘈𝘸𝘸, 𝘧𝘶𝘤𝘬 𝘲𝘶𝘦𝘶𝘦.

how dare you make us pee from our own urethra

There should be a tv channel showing nothing but bubbling pizza cheese

when the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, oh god that's 90 billion megatons of TNT all civilization is wiped out earth plunges into fiery inferno and then utter darkness

Can Bluesky get any smaller? It feels like there are about 30 of us skeeting to each other.

Once you go 36 hours without sleep a few times a month you start to wonder why peonpl enev need selp atall

Correlation doesn't mean causation, but it would be really funny in this case.