My work here is don’t.

People who say “I’ve had it up to here with you” I noticed there’s still space for more.

[murderer while in the middle of murdering me] did you just call timeout

I wish I could shazam a smell

I don't tell Communist jokes because MAGA may not understand them, and Communist jokes are only funny when everyone gets them.

[skulls and bones fall for a solid minute after a guest opens a closet door in my house] "And obviously, that's where I keep the skeletons."

Eating clam chowder out of the can with my hand like Winnie the Pooh

Give a man a fish and he’ll eat it, but teach a man to fish and he will be gone for long stretches of time so you can finally get some peace!

little house on the prairie 2: laura’s revenge

go head on up to floor 7 if you’re gonna be a little bitch about it

(National Espionage Agency) interviewer: so what makes you think you’d be a good spy? Wally:

“Are you okay, ma’am?” “I think I swallowed my router.” “Here, take my seat.”

What if the radio just watches from a podcast about the bushes 🏆👑 Congratulations @unfitz.bsky.social from @lizzlepants.bsky.social

𝙱𝚊𝚋𝚎 𝚁𝚞𝚝𝚑𝚕𝚎𝚜𝚜@unfitz.bsky.social · 22h ago

A threesome? Too much going on at once. I can’t even back out of the driveway while the radio’s on.

“i don’t have a problem you have a problem!” i shout, while tying off my arm and shooting up high fructose corn syrup

if Big Toothpaste doesn't believe i'm coming for the last of the tube over the next 5 months then they have another think coming

@shitpostsintiaras.bsky.social 🏆 pls crown this non multitasker I’ll turn the music down

Welcome to middle age. You now have a special space between your teeth that can fit an entire meal

Stop saying "log into a portal." Sounds way too cool for what's happening.

My company just installed new keystroke tracking software to monitor our productivity levels and protect corporate data, which is great because now someone else is finally reading my screenplay.

The ghost of my dead plant watching me go to Lowe's gardening section

[baby court] ME: I’d like to remind the defendant that I still have his nose

“Right Here Right Now” is my favorite song about being punctual.

What I like most about BlueSky is how on twitter I always felt like I was an outsider looking in and I do here too, so it really feels just like home.

interviewer: it says here you’re not afraid to challenge authority me: no it doesn’t

This day in history. 1981. Ronald Reagan fired all the air traffic controllers but you can't blame him for destroying the American middle class because his wife's astrologer made him do it.

little known fact: the original phrase was “frog in a coal mine,” but nobody was sure what to do when it croaked

Me: *does the robot* Interviewer: I meant skills related to the job.

Why didn’t we call the 80s missing children on our milk “Carton Characters?”

ME: And another thing, It should be called a buycycle when it's in the shop and a bicycle when you get it home. MY KIDNAPPER: *crying* Omg we let you go two hours ago

i call my tits overworked and underpaid. and that’s just the left one.