A Fiat Topolino and a wicker husband would fix me

me: i had a dream that johnny appleseed pointed to his wife’s titties & said ‘how you like dem apples’ & then george washington carver pointed to his crotch & said 'how you like deez nuts' my gynecologist: what

if you only learn one thing about me please let it be that i fucking love tiny smiley faces on things

WIFE: there's a spider in the kitchen ME: don't worry they're more afraid of us than we are of them SPIDER: let's test that theory shall we

did someone say sadder

Deeny they/them@geraldinepiche.bsky.social · yesterday

I bet the inventor of the microwave was like "no. Sadder."

your doomsday scenario or mine

there better be a special place in hell for mosquitoes that bite through our clothes

What if the moon wobbles off and slams into us

maybe tonight i could sleep and not injure myself you know as a treat

trying to be a broke loser in a hot way

GIVE THE MAN A FISH AND MAKE HIM GO AWAY ALREADY I HAVE OTHER SHIT TO BE DOING RIGHT NOW.

It's dangerous to go alone. Take this (the key to the locked up deodorants at CVS)

Why stop at highlighter attach a few headlamps to your face

A group of people who refuse to get help is called a family

I'm pretty laid back unless I hear a phone ring more than once

Perpetual construction at the Sky Harbor, where Gary navigates his way to an airport diner for a taste of 72-dollar scrambled eggs.

a tray of lasagna can be an apéritif nothing matters anymore

i just ate a bowl of Total with a banana in it, if anybody needs me i'll be downtown throwing Corvettes at Doctor Octopus

sometimes I wonder if I’m wasting my life but then I open bsky and know that I am

Just straight up Bugs Bunnyied a carrot. Ate it with a little green on the end. Crunched it with the side of my mouth. Docs were asked what’s up.

Last night my neighbor saw me plunging my hand into the soil, grabbing a fistful of worms then raising them triumphantly above my head as I laughed and lightning crashed around me. Going to be difficult to explain that one.

call me crazy but these notes in my socks say otherwise

I was born a baby, but eventually that changed

Imagine being the reason for this sign

russet would be a beautiful name for a girl, but i'm sure yours is fine too

*25 second sigh* REPRESENTATIVE

ME: And another thing, It should be called a buycycle when it's in the shop and a bicycle when you get it home. MY KIDNAPPER: *crying* Omg we let you go two hours ago

his majesty puds

Squelch is an excellent word. You don’t need the definition, you get the general idea.

The barista asked my name and then "...where do I know you from?" Me, never having interacted with him a day in my life thinking "oh shit, they're onto me”