job interviewer - “it says here you have a felony on your record. can you tell me what that was about?” me, having a flashback to drunk driving a forklift and crashing it into a traffic light at a busy intersection: “I’m not at liberty to say”

i’ll biberty your liberty iykwim

🎃

I am indispensable, like soft-serve from a McDonald's ice cream machine

breaking up by subskeet. please repost so he gets the message

a reese's peanut butter cup the size of a bathtub so i can wallow in it

i need a back scratcher, but it’s small enough to stick in my ear so i can scratch my brain

day 5 in ireland and my wife has threatened divorce if i don't stop with the accent so ladies the lad's free if yer up fer a bit of craic

vampire who likes to hang out with his fang out

Showed up for work at the Group Project Factory and Cheryl already did everything.

Occam's razor, tweezers, and eyelash curler.

Were it not for my height and my inability to ball.

do you think slow pokes are slow at other things too

hockey fans: where do we draw the line between "our power play is good" and "their penalty kill is ass"

people who can tolerate cool toned lighting in bedrooms are built different than I am

coin collectors should be called coinnoisseurs

I found a voodoo doll covered in pins on my doorstep. Lucky me, they used an acupuncture technique and I’m feeling better than ever.

I hate when I walk to the kitchen for a snack without my Oura ring on.

i feel like a lot of people get bossed around by their eyebrows

Go bog witch or go crone

Do you think Jimmy really ate world?

the julies got fancier, now they’re juliannas

thinking about going pro at kicking rocks

do you ever dream of a far off place where a great warm welcome will be waiting for you

gonna start segueing into sponsored segments to get out of small talk.

okay but when I said "ravage me," I wasn't talking to time, and yet

stop telling women to smile I used to smile and wound up with multiple obsessive compulsive stalkers

[dracula when he exclusively drinks blood from a penis] “welp, guess it’s time for me to go drain the main vein!”

waymos are driven by the ghosts of people who died in debt

getting the contents of my head scooped out like a pumpkin becoming a jack-o-lantern could fix me