Always the bridesmaid punting the bride’s bouquet and never the bride.

I may not be fluent, but I can be silent in many languages.

This day in history. 1439. In response to the Black Death king Henry VI banned kissing in England. "Go straight to third base," he said, "you're all going to die anyway."

She said, "You never listen." I heard her say that three times today. That's irony, folks—and she didn't appreciate me pointing it out.

Whenever I smell Dräkkar Noír, I always expect to turn and see the 90s standing next to me

I'm when you went to Radio Shack for all your electrical needs old

I like to gaslight myself in the mornings into thinking I’m a productive person.

me: hi I’m here for the missionary position? pastor: we don’t call it that

“Now Open 24/7” - Pandora’s Box

Really looking forward to the next stage of life…death.

i accomplished nothing this weekend mission accomplished

Accidentally called my dog bro and my bro dog.

No, no, I prefer to be sedated when driving.

You can just be nice and people will like you for it.

Doctor said I have to start wearing prescription bibs again.

Until recently, my retirement plans all revolved around me dying young

Utility company website: Are you a robot? Me: No, but if there are robots trying to pay my utility bills, mind your own business.

got kicked out of the venice beach gym for glistening too much

I’ve been part of this world for some time and all I can say is, I’d like a refund.

The Department of ED is the Dept of Education, not the Dept of Erectile Dysfunction. Please make a note of it.

I'm afraid I'll be evicted since my car isn't super loud like all of my neighbors cars.

We have allowed the people who should be yeeted into the sun to control the means of yeeting.

Beware the thighs of starch

My dress size fluctuates between feast and bacchanalia.

*waits until co-worker is crying* ME: Is now a good time?

My nephew has a lot of ink. I asked if he was going to add one of me. He pointed to the tattoo of the Mad Hatter and said he already has.

I'm the reply guy your reply guys reply guy told him to warn you about, my guy

It's hard to break it to four-year-olds that their best years are behind them but they're going to find out sooner or later.

My retirement plan is to befriend a secretly wealthy hobo who leaves me his fortune.

My memory pillow woke up crying again.