I came home and saw that my husband shaved his beard. Please respect my privacy at this time
It’s interesting that people who will be dead get to decide to ignore climate change and ruin the world for people who will still be alive.
I say Okie dokie but nothing is ever Okie dokie.
revenge is a dish best served after I’ve licked everything on the plate
These things don’t give you wings, pal. They give you a heart rhythm that sounds like a washing machine full of nickels.
Salad is the only meal that can now make you regret both eating healthy and not eating healthy.
Judging purely by its name, the food and drug administration would be an kickass place to work
Every time I try something stupid on the job and it actually works, someone should play a little riff on a saxophone.
I can't get my doctor to tell me how I hurt myself doing something when I never do anything.
I wrote a song about AI titled Mmmslop
I don't always give up easily, but I've gotten better at it
so just to recap... don't eat the food, don't breathe the air, don't leave your home
Taco Bell: Make a run for the border we think they’ve got a couple of public toilets there
I'm calling it a lettuce smoothie cause explosive diarrhea sounds dangerous.
rocking up to the cat shelter with my reusable totes like hi im here to do my shopping
i just made mother nature my bitch by forgetfully leaving my frozen pizza in the car and having her cook it for me. my car smells delicious
These air conditions will likely last for months at a time in the not too distant future
washing down my diarrhea lettuce salad with a tall refreshing glass of Panera murder lemonade
BREAKING: Study Shows That People Who Say Social Media is Harmful Are Also Responsible For Why Social Media is Harmful
Revenge is a dish best served slathered in 4 different cheeses, because any dish is better when it’s served slathered in 4 different cheeses.
Only inconsiderate assholes wait until the day before the 4th of July to call their veterinarian to request gabapentin & traz for their pets fireworks anxiety Only inconsiderate assholes set off fireworks any day of the year other than the Fourth of July. I said what I said
When someone upsets you and you get that flash of anger remember to maintain the high ground. It's easier to hit them with rocks from there.
*from inside a coffin WELL YOU SAID SLIDE INTO SOMETHING MORE COMFORTABLE
First day as a detective: why would someone try to make toast in the bathtub? And where is the bread?
A social media app that does not allow a lie to be posted and if you try again it shocks you
“He’s a keeper,” I tell myself as I bury him in the back yard.
me, getting more unhinged by the day: it’s called exponential growth look it up