Lizzy
@stonedeva.bsky.social
crocs enthusiast, cat lady my posts: https://bsky.app/profile/did:plc:ijujbu5ofcdsm7sjabbd3eyj/feed/aaab2wtyqravy
I have an appointment to get a badass tattoo this afternoon, but my stomach feels yucky because I am nervous—if you are into tough guys
Holding hands in public is underrated but this total stranger doesn’t seem to think so
I'm torn about something. Some people think I need therapy, but the yellow gorillas tell me that I'm sane. However, the plaid orcas tell me that the gorillas are liars, and I should listen to my heart. Overall, I think I should ignore them all, and continue being myself. It has worked so far.
Sorry for what I said when you were ignoring me. I stand by it but I'm sorry nonetheless.
My precious child, when you saw only one set of footprints in the sand, that's when the giant eagle picked me up and carried me away. You must hunt down this bird and avenge me.
more like, it was the homegoods clearance section of times
people on the internet be like yes I agree or go to hell pos
1980s microwave: BING! Your food is ready! 2020s microwave: beep beep. ARE YOU LISTENING? I SAID BEEP BEEP MOTHERFUCKER 🅱🅴🅴🅿 🅱🅴🅴🅿
someone asked me if I could name just ONE good thing about america right now, and all I could come up with was that no one from Coldplay was born here
Every day brings me closer to being that old guy who goes shirtless from May – September. The lack of self-awareness coupled with not giving a single fuck must be sublime
Getting ready for an MMA fight and the training montage is set to You Make My Dreams Come True by Hall & Oates
"I'm still punk as fuck!" I think to myself as I try to squeeze my foot into my compression socks
My Gen Z sister had to explain new Instagram features to me today using the exact tone you’d use to gently warn a toddler that the stove is hot.
sorry for what I said when you made me hate you
please stop replying “skill issue” on all my posts
[mr. brightside voice] my friggin’ back, it’s killing me
This is not the dystopian hellscape I imagined for my children
it’s my birthday month so you have to be nice to me it’s in the bluesky rules and regulations
Me: *does the robot* Interviewer: I meant skills related to the job.
Sourdough, wheat, white, injera, and rye are all keto killers for me. I'm going to switch over to flatbreads with almond flour. Everything else is a naan starter.
if god intended for women to remain fertile this late in life, the least she could've done is give us a penis
